The John Report Wrestling Blog

I wrote the Raw Deal this morning, posted it at 10am and you can read that right here. Commentfest, featuring Facebook and Twitter, is going to be a Tuesday evening posting between 5-8pm ET.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got less than 1200 comments this week, which is the lowest in a LONG time. I guess people were watching both WWE and TNA last night.

Let me ask The Cantonites one question. Are you ready? No! I said ARE YOU REEEEEE…wait. Since DX is on a break, I say we go Old School and kick that shiznit Doggy Style…Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and girls, children of all ages, Juan Cantoni proudly brings to you the only reason anyone logs on to Facebook on Monday nights. We got Fozzie Bear, we got Whipped Guy, Hell, we even got women! This IS COMMENTFEST!!!! And if you’re not down with that, we got TWO WORDS FOR YA…KELLY KELLY!!

On the subject of commentfest, I overheard a bunch of people in my college discussing it the other day. I was pleasantly surprised. (I don’t know if I should feel proud or sorry for the youth of the world. A little of both.)

Time to cross my legs, sip some tea and watch some sophisticated World Wrestling Entertainment programming.

ARE YOU READY??!! NO, I SAID ARE YOU READY??!! ARE YOU READY TO SEE MARK HENRY WITH A FROWN ON HIS KOOL-AID TUMMY-FACE BECAUSE HE DID WIN THE BEST LEADING ACTRESS OSCAR LAST NIGHT FOR PRECIOUS?!! HOW ABOUT ****magic****?! No, because magic is DUMB!!! HOW ABOUT MIDGETS?! WELL, THE LUCKY CHARMS ARE FINALLY OUT OF EVERYONE’S SYSTEMS- SO YOU’RE NOT TRIPPIN’ BALLS WHEN I SAY THAT THE “WARS ARE BACK ON, BITCH!!!” SO, GRAB A GLOW STICK IN EACH HAND, AND TELL TNA TO SUCK IT BECAUSE THIS IS RAW…THIS IS COMMENTFEST….THIS IS….**BONG**….wait, I though Cheech & Chong were gone? **BONG**…..OH SHIT, HERE COMES THE UNDERTAKERRRRRR!!!! ******BONG!!!!******

So, how does Raw counter the first five minutes of TNA? By having the Undertaker walk to the ring… the whole entire 5 minutes!

Its time once again, for the smack-talking, Cole-hating, Kool-Aid drinking, Derby-wearong, ascot-rocking, Orange Fur cause its good for her, The one, the only Fozzie Bear…..And Michael Cole, you better run and hide because The Bear has a couple of surprises for you tonight! If you Heeeeaaaaaaaar, what The Bear, is saying……. (Hello Fozzie Bear, how is Kermit?)

This is so exciting! I am losing my commentfest virginity tonight. My parents would be so proud (or disturbed). (And it’s a girl, no less. I’d vote for disturbed.)

Did you know, TNA is on, competing with RAW, and I still don’t care and still HATE JOHN CENA!!!

Did I just see The Ultimate Warrior in the montage video? Or am I eating those funny brownies again? (It was him.)

Taker’s working Monday night again? It’s either Wrestlemania time, or I’m drunk. Or it’s Drunkamania time…(also known as the Raw Commentfest…)

LET THE CHANNEL FLIPPINGFEST BEGIN!! lol

Do you guys think the undertaker stole his hat from a woman at the kentucky derby? (Yes.)

Did a chihuahua bite Taker on the nose?

Did Taker pop a zit on his nose? Or did Hornswoggle bite him? (I don’t want to know.)

Vintage promo butchering.

Taker is going to punish Michaels by making him watch the raw’s he missed last year.

Ok…the close up of the scabbed nose of taker made me turn the channel…I think taker isnt stright edge!

Is it ok to wear a hunting vest with no shirt underneath? (Somebody ask Batista.)

UT orange you talking 2 much.

There is the old spot on ‘Takers throat where is ex-wife’s name was. HMMMM I wonder where Michelle McCool’s name is? Wait…don’t anwer that!

Anyone ever realize that Taker always gets a mic without the square WWE logo on it? (Maybe it itches him and his giant MMA gloves that he needs to cut promos.)

And this match keeps getting better every time it happens…(Thanks for posting BeetleJuice)

Now no DQ in a match? Dammit I really was looking for a blizzard…

Taker sounds more human than usual tonight. I guess getting burned will snap anyone out.

Taker: I will open up the gates of Hell – and A CAN OF WHOOP ASS….*glass breaks* and Austin sues….

After wrestlemania, your career is OVER!!!…for 5 months!!!! Spooky. (“…Because you want to spend more time with your children, which is admirable of you.” What a promo.)

I’m sorry, but I can’t get behind a guy who wears black eyeliner. I just can’t. (So you don’t like me? I’m kidding. I have never worn eyeliner…on purpose. No, I’m not expanding. That’s all you get.)

Oh whatever would we poor, ignorant wrasslin’ fans do without the great Michael “My Daddy Should Have Pulled Out Early” Cole, Master of the Obvious, reiterating over and over the particulars of matches. Thank God for that pedantic mockingbird fuck. (That’s just mean.)

Cue Crazy Crazy… (No, he no showed this week.)

M-M-M-M-M MARYSE!!!!

Alicia Fox-Mutombo sighting 8:19 Central! Mark the Fuck Out!

Oh!! She sat on her head! Do it again! Do it again!

Who knew winning a pillow fight is considered being on a roll? (Watch the zippers.)

Is it sad that Raw is a mere 15 minutes from where I live and yet I’m sitting at home watching it on tv?

Gail just assaulted Alicia with her nether regions…my envy for the wedding planner knows no bounds.

Mmmmm Kelly Kelly on all fours! (I knew a girl like that in college, all you had to do was say “assume the position” and well…I miss college sometimes.)

Woah…did King just make a VINTAGE lawler joke ala 1998? “I used to live with Kelly Kelly til she found out I was there…”

She got Slap the Fuck Out! (Sorry, doesn’t work.)

Was that a rolling armbar executed by Eve? I didnt know we were watching the Golden Era of Divas!

Way to be named magician of the century, even though the century is only ten years old…

Ha ha, salsa. That’s funny. Somebody shoot me. Please. Or even better, shoot Cole. (Talking about salsa was WAY better when Seinfeld did it.)

If Criss Angel is such a great magician then why doesn’t he make that annoying little midget dissappear?

I am watching a guy put thread in his mouth….. yeah.

LOL The midget put the thing in her hair. Classic. Dammit, Cole has me saying that now.

ROFL. Hornswoggle, you just made my night. That was fantastic. (See, they love Horny!)

Sometimes it is best not to say anything at all after witnessing that. I am beginning to miss the pot-laced Lucky Charms. (So am I.)

Jillian is #1! VINTAGE AEROSMITH!

MORRISONOROONY!!!

R Truth….wasn’t that that guy in TN…….that other company?

Dear Michael Cole: Have you no shame? Have you no decency? You come out week after week, and spread your douchebaggary around the Raw locker room, to the King, and to the fans (fuck your universe!) Now, I have written to you week after week pointing this out, and yet you cease to heed my words. Hell even the fucking midget was throwing cereal at you, for fucks sake. Doesn’t that say something to you? Doesn’t it resonate with you in some capacity? You can please go fuck yourself, you whiney, nasal-voiced douche.

Sincerely,
Fozzie Bear (That was just mean! Yes, I used that twice now. You try responding to somebody that willingly calls himself Fozzie Bear.)

The Miz just used Luger and the Bulldog to diss present day wrestlers. Give that mutha his props.

VINTAGE BUSHWACKERS REFERENCE @ 7:31 ARIZONA MST

I’d rather see Morrison in MITB and The Hart Dynasty for the tag titles. (Yep.)

Cole probably loves all those team names. Because they suck.

Black magic & the white shadow? Fuckin really?

Okay, anyone got a link to where this whole REALLY REALLY thing started before Miz started using? (Saturday Night Live – Weekend Update. Look it up.)

John Morrison is talking like he’s black… and Morrison is talking like he’s white… who hit the body switch button?

Damn, can King screw up the name “Showmiz” more often? We should change his name to the Postman since he mails it in every night. (Ba-dum-ching.)

It’s in their entrance video, Cole said it three times, and The Miz said it in their promo but King still couldn’t get the name right.

I want to take a HOT TUB TIME MACHINE…to 2001…just in time for Wrestlemania X-7….September of that year – not so much….

Didn’t that used to be Ashley’s entrance song? (It was because it was the diva search song.)

Did you know?….That everytime “I Made It” by Kevin Rudolf comes on, John Canton break dances like John Morrison, followed by an R-Truth Split. That’s what’s up!

Batista is a grandpa you do NOT fuck with. He’s the Cotton Hill of WWE. (Ha King of the Hill reference FTW!)

I WILL NOT EVER CHANGE THIS STUPID ORANGE SHIRT BECAUSE HORNY 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY THIS CRAP!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT SELL A MOVE!!!

Reason number 8,439 I HATE JOHN CENA: See Raw promo from 8:43 CST! I HATE YOU! (Hey it’s the Cena Hating Guy!)

It’s a good number alright, after I told him that the number was going to be 56 before the segment begin….

Cornfed? Colossus? (Festus!)

Orton actually beat Rhodes/DiBiase to the ring! Holy shit. Someone must have given him a Red Bull.

Randy Orton is the sexiest man to ever grace this planet. (This wasn’t Crazy Orton Lady, but it was a woman, so deal with it.)

This should be exciting. It is nice how the creative staff decides to burn through their match options for WM until they find the one that’s just right. I guess they get inspiration from the Three Little Bears (The Babyoil Brigade Version).

Wish for the draft – JR goes back to Raw and Cole can go back and pollute Smackdown. (I miss JR, but leave Cole off my beloved Smackdown!)

Damn….Orton is so fucking hot! I want him and Shawn. A Michaels-Orton sammich! Yummy! Go get ‘em viper! (See, now THAT is Crazy Orton Lady. I have voices in my head sometimes.)

There will be no abuse of a legend like Michael Cole in commentfest. *Forms the Cole-poration*

I wish Michael Cole would STFU! We KNOW! HBK is legend and so is Taker but seriously…unless you’re talking about me wanting to sex up Shawn then let’s get back on topic. Orton talk please. (Yep, that’s Orton Lady. She likes Shawn too.)

AUSTIN!!! MTFO MARK THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!

10:06!! VINTAGE marking the fuck out!!

Michael Cole is to Raw what Stone Cold Steve Austin was to the Attitude Era. (It’s Crazy Cole Guy. I think I use crazy too much.)

So I read that I missed a divas match earlier. YAY! No bitching from the gf tonight!!! (Hello late arriving Whipped Guy.)

I love it when Trips is in his “I Am The Game” – no. Excuse me. Michael Cole said he’s in the legendary “Cerebral Assassin” mode. Forgive me. I stand corrected.

Dammit, I keep pushing the start button my XBOX 360 controller but I can’t skp HHH’s entrance….

When the hell did Triple H become legendary? (When he married the boss’ daughter. Thanks. I’ll be here all week.)

I miss when everything was sponsored by FRUITY FRUITY FRUITY JUICY BAH GAWD FRUITY FRUITY JUICY SKITTLES THEY’RE SO JUICY BARBECUE FRUITY.

Thank you for the longest running weekly episodic reminder that we are watching the longest weekly episodic tv show Cole you dumb shit.

So exactly how many kids do Steph and Triple H need to have to create an official 3rd brand? (Three is on the way. Six more.)

Wow, Triple H just referenced a REAL injury! Vince must be sleeping before his big match.

Attacking the guy who initiated and backed your megapush is a time honored wrasslin’ tradition. Especially if he’s also your gym partner.

Do you have the goats? Is that what Sheamus said? (I think so.)

Well, seeing as how he started AFTER Wrestlemania, I don’t see how he could have gone to WM yet, Hunter.

Sheamus is a rookie and he has NEVER been to WM???? NO SHIT HHH.

It’s moment like this that make me love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly… (In for the Anchorman reference.)

Even Sheamus’ eyelashes are white.

So HHH vs. Sheamus at WM. Where did I hear this before? Oh yeah, THE JOHN REPORT ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO!

ROFLMAO. Santino. Ralph Macchio’s career. PRICELESS.

Everybody made fun of the Lucky Charms last week. But I bet you all are wishing you were watching that instead of this shit. (That’s true.)

NXT Rookie Dave Otunga should google JOHN CANTON! (I actually did it and the first thing that comes up is some physicist from the 1700s while my facebook page is second. I will beat you, physicist boy. I never liked science.)

The Great Khali thinks.. this is a WASTE OF TIME. (Thanks for posting Ranjin Singh)

Here we go then, Jobber Bourne is in the building.

Oohh, for the love of god please let evan bourne be off of the JOB squad for just one night. (Thanks for posting, Barry Horowitz.)

BOURNE WINS?!?!?! YUS! (It’s so rare they can’t even spell yes right.)

EVAN BOURNE 2010 WIN TOTAL: 2

There is a God! Moses has parted the seas at last. Way to go Evan Braun!

Please let me see Air Bourne from the top of a ladder. (We probably will since they can’t show Jeff Hardy clips anymore.)

Evan Braun squashes Regal! That is an automatic rise to the star of the night! (He made the top three!)

JOHNNY FUCKING CASH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. MARK THE FUCK OUT.

Holy SHIT. Just when I think this HBK/Taker match can’t get any cooler, they play a FUCKING Johnny Cash song during the promo video!!! Whatever they pay the video department, it’s not enough.

The Wrestlemania recall made me wanna cry. And not from nostalgia.

SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! Sorry wrong show. (Is it Friday yet?)

Why didn’t they show the WMXX Triple Threat between HHH, HBK and Chri…oh yeah, that’s right….

While going through the Mania matches why are they playing The Diva Search/Ashley Massaro theme? (Because she’s such a great worker.)

WHAAAAT. HBK/JERICHO NEXT WEEK?! FUCKING YES! (My thoughts exactly.)

Stone Cold on a PG Raw is like Jenna Jameson on Cinemax.

Triple H -vs- Randy Orton next week? OMG! We have never seen that before! Someone fire the writers for being creative!

Jericho vs HBK? So watching. CONTRACT SIGNING!? Bret and vince!? WITH AUSTIN THERE!? I’M FLIPPIN THE FUCK COCOA PUFFS OVER THAT!! (Weird.)

Bret…. Vince… and Stone Cold in the same ring…. oh my god next weeks raw get a 9 just because of that. (HBK/Jericho too.)

If Criss Angel was a real magician, he would just appear out of thin air in the middle of the ring…

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! MY Mimd has been freaked!!! No wait, its just the spoon I drove into my ear so I couldn’t hear Michael Cole amymore….He is such a fucking tool….I hate him… (The Bear is going nuts again.)

And speaking of steroids….. Mr. McMahon!

Chairman of the board? Frank Sinatra is fighting Cena? Maybe the mafia can put out a hit on Cena. One can dream.

Dear God, Kozlov’s on Raw. Just when Raw can’t get any worse….

I LOVE DOUBLE DOUBLE E!!!

McInytre has the best music in WWE and it isn’t even close. (It’s like they care about pushing him or something. If they don’t care you get Kofi’s music.)

COLE STOP IT….. SHOOTS THE HALF IS AN MMA TERM!!! NOT A WWE TERM!!! YOU STILL SOUND LIKE A MORON!!!

1..2..Nearfall after a finisher…Reason 59 I HATE JOHN CENA!

HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU CUT TO COMMERCIAL IN YOUR MAIN EVENT!! Production 101 rule #1, never cut to a commercial in your main event unless its the to the floor spot! (Or if Swagger’s in the main.)

I thought I was getting thirsty.

Kool-Aid Man! How could you? You traitor.

If Mark Henry would’ve just won the Oscar last night for Precious, this could have all been avoided…

Why is everyone friends with John Chayna? (Because he’s rich.)

Kofi had no chance in hell.

Oh wait- that’s right…he’s not really Jamaican…well, Kofi, Jah can’t save you now…

Wow, that spear on Cena was sad.

I thought only Undertaker could dim the lights…is Batista supernatural now? (No divas joke from me. I’m classy.)

So after watching Raw I realize my only regret in not going to the show live is not being able to get a “The John Report” sign up. (Hey, it would have been cool, but I don’t blame you for passing up this one.)

Team Grandpa beat cena with the help of 6 others. (Catchy team name.)

One more thing… John, I would like to have ten comments on commentfest…. I want to be a record holder since I can’t get a cool nickname like Crazy Crazy… Make it happen Captain! (I’m only posting this because I don’t take requests. It has to be earned.)

Cole is not a douche. He is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be in terms of announcing. (Yep it’s That Cole Fan. Maybe that’ll be his name.)

To the tune of spider pig. Commentfest, Commenfest, does whatever a Commentfest does. It’s the best, yes it is! (I love Spider Pig. Good way to end it.)

But wait, there’s more! Here are the people that message me from Twitter at twitter.com/johnreport although there wasn’t a lot:

Hogan and Flair ain’t got shit on Taker and Michaels. (They have Depends, though.)

Did Sheamus just glow?

Wow what the hell did Kofi do to get left off of Mania?! He’s a long way from his MSG “Moment.” (Are we allowed to remember that happened?)

Sheamus is so white that when they used him for a ppv poster he didn’t need makeup.

I heard that Batista is changing his music in tribute to Mr. McMahon. “No pants. No pants at all!!”

Batista was great as a heel on raw tonight! He’s so much better as a heel.

I’m not really complaining about the lack of comments. It takes me a good two hours to sift through this stuff although I still enjoy it. Next week with Austin back it should be pretty epic.

That’s it for today. Have a good one.

John Canton