The John Report Wrestling Blog

Marc “Fozzie Bear” Berman: Welcome to The Longest Running Episodic Commentfest Ever! It’s Record Breaking! This week’s Commentfest was done by Matt “Cat Boy” Davis, as I have had a lot of running around to do the last couple of days. That being said, take it away Matt:

NOW HIT IT MICHAEL BUFFER: “FOR THE THOUSANDS IN ATTENDANCE AND THE MILLIONS WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD LEEEEETTTTTTTS GET READY TO COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

With Skip’s broken ankle, expect SERIOUS VOICES~!

Hm…run to the store and risk missing a match? Sorry, even on the RECORD-BREAKING 900TH RAW they won’t start with a match. If they start with a match, don’t print this. (Kane came out, can we still talk about matches? Thanks for posting JR.)

Call me when you hit 1,000, Raw.

Vintage HBK!! (Somewhere, John is smiling.)

I thought i was the only goldberg fan on here (Who did all that chanting, then?)

After tonight, I will probably have the same feeling after RAW as usual.

Consecutive weeks? Does that include getting pre-empted by a dog show, Cole? (No. Everybody loves Mr. Muggles.)

Look, it’s Summerfest all over again… I mean Survivor Series….

Ok you know what I did NOT pay One hundred and twenty five bucks for two tickets to be blocked by a HUGE orange sign all night (Could be worse, they could be wearing BIG STUPID ORANGE CRAP~!)

King, sometimes it just feels like Raw goes on forever (Well, it has been on longer than American Idol and Survivor combined.)

If Daniel Bryan returns tonight, RAW will be epic.

Where’s the lost episodes? I count only 889 episodes. (We here at World Wrestling Entertainment solemnly inform you that we take liberties when hyping our product. Sorry for any inconvenience this approach may have taken on your ability to count, trust us, we’re right.)

Michael Cole just insulted the Simpsons…..He must now go burn in hell.

And the letters “wwf” accidentally leaves Bret’s mouth in ….. (Thanks for posting Bret’s mouth. EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE WRONG!)

ROFL @ the ‘How is ‘suck it’ PG’ sign. FTW Commentfesters!

VENGEANCE MUST BE VENGEANCE (Had a low buyrate. Now we have Night of Champions, which.. still has a low buyrate, but it’s catchy though, right?)

AJ Styles reference…. ohh nevermind. (D’oh!)

Phenomenal? I believe that title belongs to AJ Styles. (Sorry, TNA doesn’t believe in putting titles on AJ Styles.)

So the day after Wrestlemania, he wasn’t the Undertaker? (You’re implying the Undertaker works the day after Wrestlemania.)

You fucking kidding me? they’re actually STILL saying “WHAT?” wow, that’s what…almost 7 years ago? (WHAT?!)

Oh hey Kane! Man, that’s what you look like without your mask on! Pretty scary… wooooo…. (Yeah, us RAW fans don’t watch Smackdown, so we forgot what he looks like. We’ll visit this later though.)

What? (Thanks for posting 7 years ago.)

Good job Kane, it only took you like what..fifteen years? (Hey, this is the only feud that’s had continuence for that long of a period, give the company a break.)

Undertaker looks like he’s gonna cry. (When you’re in a vegetative state for two months, there’s not much else to do than cut onions.)

Hey, where’s that new wwe logo that was supposed to debut?

Undertaker is sick… he coughed… (Bring out’cha ya dead!{Bong} “I’m not dead!” “Quiet, you’ll be dead soon enough….”)

*BONNNG*

So, was the Undertaker responsible for the lights going out or the GM?

WTF??? (We here at Commentfest say this on a weekly basis. It should be put on a t-shirt.)

Wait…what? (WHAT?!)

I just called it seven minutes ago!!!!!!! (Seven minutes, seven years, who’s counting?)

Taker vs. Bret? What, WWE, What? (WHAT!?)

Undertaker vs Bret, that’ll put butts in seats. (Thanks for posting Tony Schiavione)

HEENAN!!!!!

Bret wasn’t even on the first episode of raw. i have the first episode. he came in on the second one so he lied!!! that son of a bitch! wanna talk about screw job

Did You Know?

Too bad Stone Cold will never come back to the WWE. Fuck him and the Rock. At least John Cena won’t turn up like them (Thanks for posting Vince.)

Kaval and Danielson teaming? I just jizzed… don’t post that

KAVAL AND DANIEL BRYAN TEAMING!!! AHHH!!!

Kaval and Daniel Bryan? FTW!!!

Kaval and Daniel Bryan Team Up…..if this was any other place, fucking pwned.

Oh look, it’s Daniel Bryan and Kaval. Commentfest members just collectively splooged in their pants(My socks are sticky)

Kaval and danielson teaming up? I THINK I JUST INDIEGASM’D

Kaval and Bryan!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaval & Daniel Bryan = Future of the WWE. (MOAR LIK FUTURE ENDEVOURED. See what I did there? Lulz.)

DB & Kval. fucking good times

This could get interesting, loves me some Danielson and Miz with a little Kaval on the side

Danielson and Kaval in one match?!?!?!? Mark the fuck out!!!!!!

APPARANTLY DANIEL BRYAN IS KAVALS PRO THANKS I DID NOT KNOW THAT LAWLER

Cole talks so much trash about kaval then he reminds us to watch him tomorrow night. on nxt (He loves Alex Riley.)

Miz’s heat is amazing!! He must hand out to the crowd videotapes of his girlfriend Maryse in the shower or something.

So I heard this Daniel Bryan guy could wrestle… am I right? (No. You’re thinking of Brian Danielson.)

Wait, wait, wait…technically, Daniel Bryan never finished NXT, he quit. How exactly does quitting make him a pro? Great lesson for kids: quit high school, you can be a professional!

Awesome chants! That’s awesome! (Thanks for posting iMPACT Zone.)

Its the Mizy and Bryan show! They fight! They fight! They fight, they fight, they fight!(SIMPSONS REFERENCE PEOPLE~!)

Melina’s so hot, she could have crabs the size of lobsters, and I’d still hit it. Don’t print this.

Here we go with the Snooki bashing. Leave that poor, chaste girl alone!

Was that even a minute? (That’s what she said)

Forty two seconds by my count. Even shorter than I expected.

These attires are not PG. Uber camel toe in Michelle and Melina (From one piece bikinis to these.)

Wow, a lumberjack match. How thrilling. (Well, think about it this way. If they gave them leather straps like back in the old day, it’d be softcore porn….)

It’s TaMANa (Thanks for posting Santino)

I would die just to come back as Melina’s tampon. (Your neighbor would be an asshole. Just a warning.)

I wonder whch title they’ll get rid of: The one that’s cut in half or the one that is not cut in half. (Paging Dr. Logic. One.. two… paging Dr. Logic.)

wait…. June 7th was episode 889… that would make tonight episode nine hundred and one….. hmmm (Stop listening to the voices in your head.)

Dear Commentfest,
Hello again! It’s me, the overanalyzing egotistical Logic! I hope everybody’s weekend was pleasant, but I was thinking about a few things. First of all, how come they show the lamest moments of Night Raw and call them classic? I was really looking forward to seeing Goldust give Ahmed Johnson mouth to mouth, or seeing Owen Hart’s classic enziguiri to Shawn Michaels… Also, I had to know, how come they say it’s 900 episodes when my guide says it’s only 889 episodes? Did they factor in the eleven episodes they had on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well? Oops I’m thinking again… stupid IQ test input… well, I guess I will go back and look at this show… Maybe it’ll be good… maybe…
Sincerely,Logic

They’re in Boston? Well Cena’s winning tonight….. (Actually, Cena hardly wins matches in Boston.)

Ive marked out more times than batista has walked into the divas locker room

How many sewer rats died to make Morisson’s coat? (PETA applications are to the left.)

DASHING! CODY RHODES! This Raw is awesome and I love it.

WWE TV-PG being sponsored by a rated M video game…NOT PG (You should know by know, kids don’t watch the commercials. They’re also sponsored by R rated movies.)

What exactly do Drew and Cody have in common besides being on Smackdown? (Both of their first names are four letters)

So is one of these matches going to go more than 5 minutes? (No.)

And the WTF moment of the week goes to.

“8 minutes of wrestling, 40 minutes of RAW. How is this possible?”(It’s basic RAW math.)

Watch out for the flames, Taker!!!

Undertaker’s entrance is longer than the first three matches combined. (Stop counting.)

It is Wide Barrott!

Out of all the decisions Wide Parrot has made, deciding to run right in to Undertaker, probably not the best of decisions. (He wanted to be next to Undertaker. Because you’re either Nexus or against us.)

They should keep kaval and daniel bryan together as a tag team , its like a dream tag team there. (Thanks for posting TiVo.)

I really wish the GM would stop e-mailing.

I see they brought back Vince Russo for the night

The Undertaker should go old school and just sit up like, “I’m pissed…” But it won’t happen… (You’re getting him confused with John Cena. Have patience young Padawan.)

That old age kicking in, isn’t it Taker?

Remember on Smackdown when the Undertaker got jumped by a Jihad? Wait… (We have short term memories. That’s asking a lot.)

Randy Orton: “To be a Champion, means you can shit in people’s bags you don’t like, and they get fired!” (Kennedy: To be champion means if you get hurt too much, you’re a liability. KENNEDDDDDYYYYY)

Wow. Even Kofi’s action figure botches moves. (…..KENNEDYYYYYY)

John Cena: “To be a Champion, means you don’t have to sell SHIT ever again!” (Except merch. Never forget selling merch.)

All American American…American…American…. (American… American… American.)

Look out. Its biff tannon.

First time I saw somebody bragging about being de-pushed. Good shit, Swaggie.

FUCK YES ALBERTO DEL RIO YES AWESOME YES

Jack Thwagger ith back in Bothton Mathachutheth! Thufferin thuckatath!

WOOHOO! ALBERTO DEL RIO!!!! WE ARE COCKROACHES!!!

This RAW sounds like a bus station, very crowded. (No, that’s the Mexicans on the screen.)

Hold up, why does Del Rio have Christian’s Pyro!!! (And Randy Orton’s)

Cole, how about we just call him Dos Caras Jr!?

Shouldn’t they be chanting “Que” instead of “What”? (WHAT?!)

Alberto Del Rio just announced to the world that no one watches Smackdown. Not even the wrestling fans in attendance.

Seriously, is Vince Russo the new GM?

All the chinese running to see the WWE. Trying to escape communism.

Straight Edge Society minus Serena.
Think they’ll actually explain it? (Talented women wrestlers are not allowed on Monday Night RAW. Or in the Company.)

I am ready to STRAIGHT EDGE!!!!! (That’s what she said.)

OH GAWD!! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!!

God, I miss Serena’s boobs right now. (Nodding.)

CM Punk has the audience on his fingers like they were puppets…

That was probably the best moment ever on Smackdown… (What about the time JBL hunted for illegal immigrants?)

‎”You’re not funny and nobody likes you”

A superstar billy graham impersonation from big show. Ftw!

Anyone else tempted to swear in German 75% the way through Alex Riley’s name? They get to Alex Ri– and I get severe WCW flashbacks and start dancing.

And now they show Angle!!! Yes!

Angle got more time on Raw than he did on TNA this week… (HE is actually respected here.)

And out comes Edge! Edge says: “Hey Fella I just came out to inform you that I just got done poundin your girl in the back!” (For the ‘turd time, fella.)

Legendary has already been nominated for 5 Razzie awards. (To use Linda McMahon’s campaign strategy, ahem, “The good news is, that means someone watched it!”)

Hey look everybody, it’s Grape Ape!

Why are they having this match again? Didn’t we just see this at Summerslam minus Bryan and Skip to my Lou? (In the NBA, amazing happens. In the WWE, amazing happens. Just, a different kind.)

Heath Slater pinning Sheamus should come as no shock. Wendy’s has mastered mayonaise for decades.

WHAT?!?!? He was pinned clean? WHAT?!? Well thats your surprise for the night. (WHAT?!)

What a crappy episode. I should have watched Nitro.

Rock: Finally, the Rock, has come back to Boston. CM Punk, how dare you come out to the ring and put the name of the great one in your mouth. And how dare you, not introduce me to your two sidekicks who look like they came off an episode… of the Coneheads. Tell me, Punk, what are their names?

CM Punk: Rock, as you….

Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEIR NAMES IS!!! CM Punk, Straight Edge Society, the Rock says this… You come out talking about how you don’t drink, you don’t have sex, and you live by the code of sportsmanship, so the Rock says this… The Rock says he has a code of his own… No it’s not the Davinci code, and no it’s the Contra code, but it’s Morse code… That’s right Morse Code… So this is what the Rock is going to do… the Rock is going to pick up a telegraph, make a few clicking sounds.. *click click click*, after he makes a few clicking sounds, he’s going to unplug it, wrap the wires around it, turn that summabitch sideways, and stick it straight up, each and everyone of your candy-asses!!! If you smellllllllallalalalalala what the Rock…. is cookin’…

Thanks for reading Kiddos.

I am off on vacation next week, so Commentfest duties will be handled by Duane Ellefson. He is a frequent contributor to commentfest, so let’s see how he does.

Wakka Wakka!