Monday Headlines: Madusa is Out of Her Mind

By Jacob Lindsey

The fact that this is the Headline for today proves that it was really slow news weekend. There was a lot of junk to sift through, but none of it was particularly newsworthy. This bit, though, belongs at the top of the “forgotten ‘star’ trying to hold on to any ounce of celebrity while sacrificing pride and sanity” pile. It also belongs in the “Kurt Angle” file on Twitter, where someone gets on and says stupid stuff because they’re totally insane. In this case, it’s former WWF Women’s Champion Madusa aka Alundra Blayze. I’ll explain after the jump.

On Twitter over the weekend, Madusa called out WWE Divas Champion, Beth Phoenix, essentially challenging her to a match because Madusa thinks she could legitimately injure Beth Phoenix. If you’ve ever seen one of Madusa’s matches, she probably isn’t just blowing smoke. Women’s wrestling when Madusa/Blayze was champion was atrocious. I’m sorry if that offends any readers, but it was. Outside of Japanese women who would beat the mess out of each other, women’s wrestling was sloppy and boring, and it’s a big reason most fans don’t respect it today. Fortunately for us, we have excellent performers like Beth, Natalya, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Tara, Kharma, Sara Del Ray, and others who are just streets ahead.

Madusa challenging Beth Phoenix over social networking sites is just sad. Beth could wrestle circles around the 47-year-old monster truck driver. I’m not sure what she is trying to accomplish, but no one wants to see her in the ring. We had enough of that when she was wrestling Bertha Faye and Bull Nakano in the early 90s. She might be in phenomenal shape, but her challenge is basically the same as Kevin Nash challenging the Ultimate Warrior to a fight or a troubled commenter challenging Andrew Johnson to a charity MMA wrestling fight for internet supremacy. It makes me shake my head in sadness. (Lords of Pain)

If you want to follow her psychological meltdown in real time, or maybe see if she posts dates for her monster truck rallies, you can go follow Madusa on Twitter.

In other news…

Chris Jericho addressed the fans who keep tweeting stupid stuff about his role in WWE right now. He basically told them to shut up and watch the damn TV show. I don’t have much to say about this, except good for him. 85% of wrestling fans on Twitter are the angry idiots who make those of us who have brains and like to enjoy the show look bad. (Lords of Pain)

Speaking of idiots, some idiot journalist attacked Linda McMahon for her involvement in the “pornography and mock fighting” that is WWE. “Mock fighting” I get, and that’s fine. But this “pornography” business reached its peak in about 2001, unless you want to count Eric Bischoff’s “HLA.” It’s basically another example of someone criticizing the sports entertainment industry because they don’t understand it. A WWE rep defended McMahon, basically telling the writer to do his homework so he doesn’t sound like a toolbag. (NoDQ)

Natalya is gonna be farting for a while, even though her Uncle Smith doesn’t like it. I don’t like it either, but if it keeps her on my TV, you can give her the Stinkface as a finish and let her come down to Bastion Booger’s theme. (PWPix)

Sting mentioned that he was “very, very close” to signing with WWE last year. Ok, go clean yourself up. It’s Monday, and you have to get to work. (SEScoops)

That’s it for me today. I’ll be back on Thursday with Disasterpiece Theatre, which will be one of The Rock’s movies. That means it’s gonna be two Rock movies in a row, because next week will be Journey 2. I wasn’t able to come up with a good way to do that one live, like I wanted, but I think I’m still going to try to do something different with it. We’ll see how it turns out. Have a good week!

-Jacob

Follow me on Twitter.

WTF! TNA Impact Wrestling 02/02/12
By Marc B

‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what’s all this then? It’s time for Impact on the road in jolly old England. I have been looking forward to this week’s show, as I am a big fan of TNA taking their show on the road. It makes the product seem relevant and adds a sense of freshness. So how did they do? Let’s see shall we?

Impact opens with a video package hyping TNA’s arrival in England. They are calling it Invasion month in TNA. Maybe they can invade some 2.0 ratings. That would be great. After the video package, we are joined by the Dynamic Duo, Bully Ray and the World Heavyweight Champion, Bobby Roode, who are greeted by “you suck” chants. Bully asks the crowd if they are here to see Jeff Hardy. The crowd pops. Bully says that he and Bobby made sure they would never see Hardy again. Roode gets on the mic. He says it’s great to be back in the great country of Ireland. Massive heat. He calls himself the “it factor” and says that they are happy about what they did to Hardy last week, but they didn’t get the job done. He calls out James Storm, and out comes the Tennessee Cowboy himself. Have I said how much I love Storm right now? He’s awesome. I even love his theme song. I might have to download it. Storm gets into the ring, as Bully tells him to stay back. Sting’s music hits.

Out comes the commissioner, and he says it’s Showtime in England. He says he spoke to Jeff Hardy, and Hardy is doing fine, and will be ready for Against All Odds, where the main event will be a four way between Hardy, Roode, Storm, and Bully Ray. It was a bit predictable, but it’s fine with me. I have completely changed my stance on Bully Ray. I hated his new character when it began, but over the course of time, I have liked it a bit more and more. He just needs to focus on either being a badass or being a comedy character. Storm then says he wants Roode and Bully Ray in the ring tonight. Sting says he got his wish, but first it will be Storm vs. Roode, then Storm vs. Bully. The heels try to object, but Sting cuts them off and says “ta ta for now.” Very nice segment. The crowd was very hot for it.

After a commercial, they show Garett Bischoff on the phone talking to his trainer. This made my TV sad. It hates douchebags. This is why I don’t watch the Jersey Shore.  Then we have our first match.

Match 1: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. The Mega Towers

For the record, in case you don’t know, the Mega Towers name is not official, just something “The son-of-a-bitch who gave up reviewing Impact so I could take the spot and end up being tortured until the end of time by TNA’s horrible writing”came up with and I have been using since. I like it, and I hope that somehow, it gets back to Morgan and Crimson, and they decide to use it. That would be sweet. This match is contested under “Buckingham Brawl” rules. A coin toss determines what team will have a man advantage, and which team will have to follow traditional tag team rules.  Morgan loses the toss, so Magnus and Joe can both be in the ring, while Morgan and Crimson have to tag in and out. The crowd is very behind Magnus, which is expected since he’s British, but they are really behind Joe as well. The Mega Towers might as well be the heels. The crowd is giving them Cena heat. I liked this match a lot. It was a bit short, but it was a very hard hitting match, that featured a lot of tandem moves between Magnus and Joe. They really seem to be gelling as a team. Joe and Magnus pick up the win with a snap mare-top rope elbow drop combo on Morgan. Good match.

Match Rating: ** ½

They show Eric Bischoff walking in the back, and I think I saw my TV shed a tear. The announcers tease that he’s out next. I hope my TV can handle that.

Back from commercial, out comes Big Poppa Douche himself, Eric Bischoff. He gets on the mic and talks about his son’s quest to become a wrestler. He then invites his “snot-nosed little punk” son to come out. Who uses that phrase anymore? It’s so outdated. I hope there isn’t a ruckus.  Out comes Mr. Side Burns. Eric tells his son that it’s good to have goals, but Garett’s goals have become a fantasy. He says that a “trainer like him” won’t help him as the trainer is a coward and won’t step into the ring to back Garett up. Eric says that Garett’s choice of trainers is a bad one. He goes on to say that there is no way that his trainer will fly all the way to London to back him up. Garett receives a phone call at that precise moment that informs him that his trainer is here. Okay, fuck the Bischoffs. I hate this story, and I hate that they are shoving it down our throats. If I want something shoved down my throat, I would go find Zed. But Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.

Back from commercial, there is a video package for Mark Haskins. He’s a British X-Division wrestler that you may remember was in the X-division gauntlet match a few months ago. I guess he’s finally rested from the five minutes he wrestled in that match, which is good, because he’s out to face the X-Division champion, Austin Aries.

Match 2: Mark Haskins vs. Austin Aries

I’m making a rule. All X-Division matches must be at least 10 minutes and requires selling of moves. That being said, the match was a short five minutes and had absolutely no selling of anything, except for the end when Haskins tried for a shooting star press and landed on his face. Aries quickly gave him his brain buster finisher, but instead of pinning him, he rolled into a sick submission move, that led to Haskins tapping out. The finisher looked painful. Think of it as a camel clutch, but instead of the wrestler on top, he’s bridging out to the side. Look it up kiddos, it’s very painful looking. Austin Aries continues to shine as champ. I hope his feud with Shelley lasts until the summer.

Match Rating: **

After a commercial, we have Eric Bischoff yelling at his phone for a cab.  Sting comes out and escorts him back into the building. Up next we have our next match.

 Match 3: James Storm vs. Bobby Roode

One of TNA’s problems is that they give away too much on free TV. This match is one of those times. This is easily a PPV main event, and here we are in England on a taped episode of Impact. I’m not really complaining that much though. I miss most of the PPV’s anyway due to work. About a minute in, they cut to commercial.  Really? Why not cut out one of the TWO pointless Bischoff segments, and let this match play out without a break. Nobody cares about the Bischoffs.

Anyway, after the break, we have an outstanding match between the former partners, but in true TNA form, there was not a clean finish. Bully Ray came out and distracted Storm leading to Roode hitting a spear for the win. I hope this all leads to a Storm/Roode match at Lockdown for the title. They will be in Nashville, so it would be a great story to tell, if done right.

Match Rating: ***

Post match, Bully gives Storm a Rock Bottom onto Roode’s title belt. They pose over him and Sting comes out for the save.

After a break, we have our next match.

Match 4: Tara vs. Gail Kim

This is a non-title match as Tara is set to challenge Gail at AAO. Then why have this match now? Why not Tara vs. Madison? Or Mickie vs. Gail? Or a tag match? Oh well, this is why I should book for them, despite not knowing one thing about the workings of booking a match. Hell, I’d still be better than Russo. Anyway, it looks like TNA is starting to rebuild their Knockouts division to where it was. This was a good match between two women that can actually wrestle. See WWE? It can be done. Tara picks up the win when Madison tries to interfere, but hits Gail instead. Tara then hits the Widows peak. Another messy finish, but that’s what I expect.

Match Rating: **

Oh yeah! Garett Bischoff is on his way back to the ring!!! I’m so excited!!! I’m lying, jerks.

After the commercial, we are greeted by the second of the two Bischoff segments. It seems like they played some canned cheers here. Come on TNA. If your guys can’t get over, stop trying to tell us what to do. It’s not our fault no one cares. Garett is about to call out his trainer, but is interrupted by his dad. Papa Smurf tells him that his trainer isn’t coming, so give up the charade. Hogan’s music hits.

*SIGH* I am not glad to see Hogan back. It’s been a breath of fresh air without him, but I guess when you have a self serving storyline, you need all the egos you can get. Now for a small rant.

All through the episode, Tenay’s voice has been heard promoting the return of Hogan. Everybody knew it. Bischoff knew that Hogan was Garett’s trainer. So then why did Eric say that Garett’s trainer wasn’t coming? It’s been heavily promoted. Ok, so let’s assume that heels lie. Then why did Garett have to take the phone call to prove it? This whole thing is a fucking mess. Now, I know why you have Hogan in Wembley Arena. He’s the biggest name in wrestling. It makes business sense. However, why involve him in a story? Why not have him come out and thank all his Hulkamaniacs for their support? That’s all you need from him. Now we are relegated to having Hogan back on our TV’s involved in a story that should not be featured, but now will be. Thanks TNA. I thought you were on the way to doing the right thing. I enjoyed the last month or so without Hogan. He could have stayed away forever. And how is he a trainer? Does he tell Garett to “Say his prayers, take his steroids, and bury the roster?” I’m so mad at this right now.  Small rant over.

After a commercial, we get to hear from Hogan and Garett. I think my TV is trying to fall off the wall. This went on way to long and included Hogan paraphrasing the song “Gold Digger” and saying that TNA is right on the cusp of becoming huge. He’s been saying that for two years already. I think it’s time to shut up about it. I couldn’t find a video link for this promo, but maybe one of you guys can. It’s awful.

After that mess, we have our main event.

Match 5: Bully Ray vs. James Storm

Why is this one the second match? It would make more sense to have Storm vs. Roode as the main event, right? But what do I know? Aaaaaand there’s a commercial break. Wonderful. It’s not like they wasted my time with boring segments.

After the break, Sting is out to offset the presence of Bobby Roode, who came out before the break. Sting has in his hand a black cricket stick or bat or whatever they call it, instead of the usual black baseball bat, because they’re in England. Couldn’t get your hands on any “rounders” equipment, Sting? The match was really good, but some of that feeling may have been caused by the really hot England crowd. Seriously, those guys were great. The ending saw Roode attempt to interfere after a ref bump, but Sting drove him off, and Storm hit the Last Call SuperKick for the win.

Match Rating: ** ¾

Final Analysis:

Well, I was set to give this show a high rating, but the Bischoff/Hogan segments really killed it for me. They bring absolutely nothing to the table, and it shows. These guys should not be used in anyway other than a one-time appearance. Like I said, if Hogan just came out and said thank you to all his fans for their support and that he just wanted to see England one last time, I would be cool with that. But to throw him back out into the middle of a storyline is just plain dumb. No one was clamoring for his return. I hope this Bischoff story is quick, and they all get the hell out of here.

Overall Rating: 6/10

 That’s it for me this week. I’ll be back on Tuesday with Marty Jane- err, I mean Mike Aires for our weekly editions of Headlines. And of course I’ll be back here next week for your recap of what’s being promoted as Star Wars week on Impact. I don’t even want to know what that is. Later, minions.

Do you have any Questions or Comments? Please email me at donutsandbeer1678@yahoo.com, or you can follow me on Twitter @FozzieMB.

I don’t often talk about happenings outside of the WWE, but that doesn’t mean I only watch Vince McMahon’s promotion.  This has been a great week for professional wrestling.  Raw was excellent, and saw the seeds planted for a Punk vs. Jericho feud, as well as the returns of Triple H and the Undertaker.  Despite this intrigue, I feel more compelled to talk about TNA.  Or IMPACT!  Or whatever the hell it’s being called right now.  Not because of their above-average television show this week, but rather because of the most blatant nepotism the industry has seen since the days of territories.  I’m of course speaking of Eric and Garett Bischoff.

To TNA’s credit, I’ve been watching IMPACT pretty regularly since Bound for Glory, which is odd, considering I thought the booking of that event was terrible. Confession time: There’s a lot that I enjoy about TNA, and I see plenty of potential for increased success in the company’s future. Since the company committed to pushing Bobby Roode and James Storm to the top of its roster, it’s become obvious that all the pieces are there for the company to grow in popularity. There’s just so much good talent to tap.

Unfortunately, for every Roode and Storm, there are thirty mistakes that TNA makes, be it in booking, production, or overvaluing past-their-prime talent. TNA’s most egregious folly in the last few months? Garett Bischoff’s unwarranted push.

My issue isn’t with Garett’s ability to work.  It’s obvious that he’s worked hard at becoming capable in the ring, plus he has a good enough look.  My issue is that he hasn’t put in nearly enough time to be in the spot he’s currently in.

This week, TNA had their first ever major televised show in a foreign country.  While Wembley Arena clearly wasn’t sold out (a curtain covered unused seating) the crowd was still very large, loud, and as impressive as TNA has ever had.  We’ve talked a lot about the importance of a hot crowd before, and that certainly applies here.  This IMPACT was an opportunity for TNA to look like it belonged in the same league as WWE.  They needed to pull out their big guns.  And for the most part, they put on a good show.  James Storm was the star of the night, taking on the company’s two top heels – Bobby Roode and Bully Ray – in excellent matches.  But what preceded the night’s main event?  Garett Bischoff…

Garett F-ing Bischoff.

Countless are the ways in which TNA could have better filled that time.  And this isn’t an out of the ordinary happening for the company.  Since the reveal that Garett is Eric Bischoff’s son, he’s been a key player in each episode of IMPACT.  Now, there are times when a push, no matter how unwarranted it seems, works because of fan support.  But Garett isn’t even close to being over with fans.  He was saved by Hogan’s presence this Thursday, and I’m not talking about in-ring theatrics, I’m talking about crowd response.

Nepotism is defined as favoritism shown on the basis of family relationship.  Eric holds power in TNA, and therefore his son receives a push – pretty simple.  The major issue at play is twofold: Garett’s push will breed resentment towards him from fans as well as colleagues.  And television time given to someone undeserving like Garett is taking away from time spent on better, more deserving talent, which hurts TNA as a company in the long run.

How could TNA expect anything but resentment towards Garett’s push?  Nepotism is something nearly everyone has had to deal with sometime in their life.  When my twin brother and I were in elementary school, we played little league baseball.  Naturally, I played catcher, and my brother pitched.  But although my brother always had a good arm and decent control (for little league), our coach’s son always started.  Catching both, I can tell you with a straight face that there was no reason my brother shouldn’t have been starting ahead of the coach’s son.  It was obvious to me, my brother, the rest of the team, and parents.

Resentment festers, breeds, and then real problems begin.  Fans already shower Garett with boos, it’s only a matter of time before he and his father lose the TNA locker room.  All you have to do is look at the top of the TNA roster to see the problem.  Bobby Roode and James Storm have dedicated an enormous amount of time to making it to the top, but there’s Garett Bischoff, who has yet to do anything significant in the industry, standing right below them.  That’s a joke, and TNA should be embarrassed.

Nepotism isn’t at all new in professional wrestling.  Think of the top promoters in modern wrestling.  Verne Gange, Fritz Von Erich, Ric Flair, Bill Watts, and even Vince McMahon have all given their sons pushes.  Even then, Greg Gagne, the Von Erichs, and to a lesser extent Shane McMahon, had all put in their dues, and there was a reason for their pushes.  Particularly during the territory era, in which promoters had to deal with losing talent to rival territories.  What makes Garett Bischoff an especially offensive case of nepotism is that there really isn’t any reason for his push outside of “it’s what daddy wants.”  There’s plenty of great talent on TNA’s roster, Garett hasn’t put in his required time, and frankly, he hasn’t done the crazy shit Shane McMahon did to earn the respect of fans.

Of course, by pushing Garett Bischoff, TNA is shooting themselves in the foot.  While they struggle to get Garett over, they’re passing on opportunities to push deserving talent.  Talent who may already be over with fans.

In stark contrast to the response Garett Bischoff received from the Wembley crowd, another performer, one who is supposed to be a heel, received a very warm welcome.  Austin Aries, who doesn’t have a lead booker in his corner, lacks the size we’ve been told is required to be convincing, and has been in the industry for well over a decade, received some of the best crowd responses of the night.  And this was after the match was presented as a pompous American taking on the hometown hero.  Aries is the perfect example of over talent more deserving of valuable television time on IMPACT.

I don't get it either, Austin.

Am I saying that Austin Aries in particular should be in a top spot rather than Garett Bischoff?  No, there are several guys who could be in that position.  Aries just happens to be the absolute best performer in TNA at the moment.  If they ever truly want to compete with WWE, TNA needs to offer something different.  Established talent should be in support roles, and they should be putting over talent that has yet to step into the WWE (with the one exception being Jeff Hardy).  Is pushing Austin Aries going to increase ratings by a large amount?  Probably not, but it’s a start.  I can promise you that Garett Bischoff won’t bring in a single new viewer though.

If I’ve come across as too negative, I apologize.  Funny thing is, I really do believe that TNA has the potential to step up its game.  Which is why I get so angry about the really obvious, and really dumb mistakes they make.  Garett Bischoff is the crux of all that is wrong with TNA.  Fans have for years begged to see young talent get over in the company, and who does the TNA finally push?  Garett Bischoff.  And after forcing the idea that Hulk Hogan is still relevant down the throats of fans, who do they finally have him put over?  Garett Bichoff.  Their idiocity knows no bounds.  I really want to see the company succeed, as competition leads to an overall increase in quality, but as long as Eric Bischoff is around, booking his son as a top talent, I just don’t see it happening.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Thoughts and opinions?  Share them with me!
Email: thjbriggs@gmail.com
Twitter: @thjbriggs
Blog:soundthecharge.com

Thanks for taking the time to read through the article.  Am I being too hard on TNA and the Bischoffs?  Does anyone out there even watch IMPACT?  Let’s get a discussion going.  Your thoughts, as always, are welcome in the comments section.  And (last time, I swear), if you’re interested in seeing what my new pre-PPV column will look like, check out my Royal Rumble Primer.  I’ll be taking the article down in a few days, but for anyone who missed it, head on over and check it out.  You’ll get an idea of how my Elimination Chamber article will look.  I’ll be pulling it down in a few days, so if you want to give me feedback on the format (some of you have really helped with the evolution of my column through constructive criticism), now is your time to do it.  Not blowing smoke, I really appreciate any help offered.

WWE Superstars 02/02/12
By Graham Galloway

You know what they say, third time’s the charm! On that note I would like to present the third instalment of WWE Superstars Review by Graham Galloway. This week I thought I would provide information relating to my history as a wrestling fan. Firstly, I am not actually a fan of ‘Wrestling’ but rather a fan of the WWE. I watched the WWE a lot as a kid during the Attitude Era. As my teen years approached I fell away from the product, as is the norm in my homeland of Scotland. I started watching again in my late teens around 2008.

Some of you may feel that I do not merit a job writing for TJR with only 4+ years history watching the product. Perhaps you feel I do not possess the required criteria of 10/15 years as a fan. I may not be a long-term fan, but I am dedicated. For example, Monday Night RAW does not air in the UK until 2am on Tuesday morning. I watch the show religiously. I endemically sacrifice my sleep pattern because I love the product… and it’s rarely even that good! I have lost count of the amount of times I have lain awake at 4am thinking, “I stayed up all night for that S***!”

Anyway, I am now here to stay. Let us waste no more time, on with the review.

Match 1 - Jinder Mahal vs. Yoshi Tatsu

Mahal makes his usual dignified entrance. Tatsu comes out looking absolutely ridiculous; his attire looks cheap and nasty. Also his entrance music sounds like a Mario Brothers theme song. Perhaps that is where they got his ring name from, Yoshi! 

Jinder takes control early on with some knees to the chest, Tatsu’s selling is appalling. Jafar Irish whips Yoshi and after a failed clothesline Mr. Tatsu hits a cross body. The man from Japan follows up with an arm drag and drop-kick.

We are now over in the corner and Yoshi executes a couple of Ric Flair’s chest chops. Since he is Asian I will name them Chop-sticks, that’s not racist it is culturally sensitive. Jinder Mahal literally kicks his way back into control. He grounds Yoshi and begins to work over him with high knee drops and kicks the lower-mid section. After failing to effective sell Jinder’s offence earlier, he is now over-selling. After a failed pin attempt Mahal chokes Tatsu with the most feminine of knee holds. Jinder furthers his offence with two high knees and another knee choke hold. Mahal is now firmly in control as he hits a nice double-arm underhook suplex. Yoshi has a couple of brief fight backs but Jinder quickly re-establishes himself as the dominant competitor with relative ease hitting some kick-ass knees.

After being worn down by submission moves Tatsu finds his way back into the bout after dodging Jinder’s splash in the turnbuckle. He hit’s a 5 move strike combination before a running knee to the head. This offence gains merely a 2 count on Jinder. With the momentum on his side Tatsu goes to the top of the turn-buckle and attempts to finish off Mahal with the spinning round-house kick. His attempt fails and Jinder seizes the opportunity with a running jumping knee to the back of Yoshi Tatsu’s head/neck. Mahal signals the end and locks in the Camel Clutch, Yoshi taps.

MoM – Jinder Mahal

Tatsu barely got any offence in. As usual, Mahal produced a good performance on WWE Superstars. I am genuinely surprised not many people see the potential in him that I do. I think he has a good gimmick; he differentiates himself from the rest of the pack. I like the way he vocalises his anger. As for Tatsu, he got better as the match went on but I don’t see anything bright on the horizon for the Japanese Superstar.

It was an entertaining match in which Mahal displayed some nice offence. I would recommend watching it if you have a spare 7 minutes.

Match 2 – Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox vs. The Bella Twins

Kelly Kelly is out first. Apparently as a child Kelly’s Fairy Godmother asked her if she would like lots of talent or lots of hair extensions. Need I speculate on Kelly’s answer? Alicia’s entrance isn’t worth commenting on, it’s barely even an entrance. Bella Twins come out sporting the same outfit from the Royal Rumble. Wearing the same attire twice in a row, MY GOD HAVE THOSE WOMEN NO SHAME!

We start things off with Kelly Kelly and Nikki Bella. Nikki manages to escape the ring before Kelly can get her dirty hands on her. She then begins to taunt Barbara with her twin sister because apparently that’s entertaining? With the Bellas outside Kelly tags in Rihanna and the duo proceed to execute a double missile dropkick on the twins. It was never a good idea to taunt Kelly and Alicia and now that the pair has a hold over the Bellass they give those naughty twins a good spanking.

Alicia throws a Bella (I’m assuming the legal Bella) into the ring and hits a couple of forearms before landing a dropkick. Bella whips Alicia into the turnbuckle, but Fox continues her attack with a reverse elbow. After a distraction from her sister, Nikki manages to gain control of the bout. Nikki tags in Brie and the sisters begin to work over Fox in their corner. Nikki tags back in and grounds Alicia with a nice submission hold. Brie is tagged in and the twins perform a double booty-shake to Alicia’s head, her screams will haunt me in my sleep. Fox attempts to fight back and tag in Kelly but Bella intervenes. Brie looks for the submission locking Alicia into a modified abdominal stretch.  Fox fights out and tags in her partner. Kelly Kelly enters the bout from the top rope pulling off a far from convincing Lou Thesz press.

The end is near as Kelly exacts her revenge on Brie with a stinkface. Surely even the most heterosexual of women would still enjoy that? Brie falls victim to the Kelly Killer. Kelly follows up with a pin attempt. Nikki attempts to break it up, but Alicia attacks her like a possessed ninja. Kelly’s pin attempt is successful.

WoM – Alicia Fox

I have heard rumours that Goldust has been working with the Divas division. If so then he is the worst teacher in the Universe (and I don’t mean the WWE Universe). This was nowhere near the quality we have seen from the Divas matches over the past two weeks. I understand that the WWE like models. However, smiley stick figures should never hold precedence over female wrestlers. None of this week’s female competitors will ever be close to the quality of Beth, Natalya or Tamina. On comparison with the usual RAW Diva’s matches this bout was not bad, it was watchable. Just not as good as previous weeks.

Match 3 – Jack Swagger (C) w/Vickie Guerrero vs. R-Truth w/ Lil’ Jimmy (non-title)

Out first is the surprisingly old R-Truth. For those of you who don’t know, he’s 40. Out next is the two time all-American American Jack Swagger. That gimmick is almost as old as R-Truth. Time for something new, the guy has talent so do him justice WWE.

Swagger hits the first move, a belly to back slam. The two taunt each other before locking up. R-Truth takes control with a side headlock. It is obvious that these two are more experienced than the other Superstars on the card as they involve the audience when they can. The WWE is all about interaction. After some chain grappling R-Truth nails Jack with his signature jumping heel kick enzugiri. Swagger gains control of the bout and begins to execute impact moves which include a power slam and a big leg drop. Swagger attempts to wear down Truth but eventually he fights out of Jack’s hold to land a few punches and a hip toss.

We return from an Orton-Barrett promo to find R-Truth in control. This match lacks any real tempo or continuity. With Jack bummed in the corner Vickie performs her distraction duties to present her client with the opportunity to gain some offence. Swagger does just that as he nails a grounded R-Truth with the corner slingshot splash. Jack further enforces his control by choking his opponent on the middle rope. There is a noticeable change in Jack Swagger as he becomes increasingly aggressive. Ronald fights out of Swagger’s hold only to be re-grounded by a big boot. From this point on we see Swagger dominate for a significant period of time. Jack applies a foot-choke in the corner as R-Truth appears to briefly transform into Hip-Hop star Coolio. Jack wastes time and with both competitors on their feet they nail each other with simultaneous clotheslines. R-Truth capitalises and raises the tempo. After a few clotheslines and DDT, Truth gets a 2-count. Swagger attempts the ankle lock but R-Truth fights out to set up his corkscrew scissors kick  and Swagger avoids the finishing maneuver. Jack goes for the corner slingshot splash and as R-Truth gets his foot up to counter, Swagger locks in his ankle lock. Truth escapes the hold and executes the Little Jimmy for the win.

MoM – R-Truth

By and large this was a decent match. It’s the best main-event I have reviewed so far, not that there has been much competition. It features two experiences Superstars who applied a high standard of offence throughout. The match did appear to lack fluency at times but the finishing sequence was excellent. Is it worth checking out? Yes.

Summary

This week was good. Probably the best episode of WWE Superstars I have reviewed so far. The only let down was the Divas match. I think the previous two weeks have set a high standard for the Divas and perhaps Kelly, Alicia etc. cannot perform to that level. The opening bout was good as was the finish. If you enjoy solid wrestling matches then I would recommend watching this week’s episode.

Thank you for reading my work and if you have any feedback I would be glad to hear it either via email tjrgrahamgalloway@yahoo.com or in the comment section below.

Welcome to Canton’s Corner. It was a good week of wrestling on TV this week. I thought Raw was excellent while both Smackdown and TNA Impact Wrestling were above average this week too. I’ll cover all three of those, plus the usual polls, video, Melo Out and other things you’ve come to expect from Canton’s Corner. It’s the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you follow me on Twitter you know I’m a huge NFL fan, even more than I am a wrestling fan. Before I get to the wrestling part of the column, I need to share my pick.

I think the Giants will win. I like their defense to slow the Pats down just like they did in the regular season. The Ravens and Steelers did it too. All similar kinds of defense. If you get in their face, be physical and get some shots in on Brady he softens up. They showed that in the Super Bowl four years ago and when they played this year. Four years ago I picked the Pats because I thought their offense was too explosive. Now it’s different. They use the TEs instead of stretching the field with Moss. Brady almost never throws deep anymore. So the key will be can the Giants cover their TEs enough? I think so. They can rush four, get a lot of pressure and drop 7 in coverage. The teams that could give the Giants problem are the 4 or 5 wide teams like the Packers, but the GMen overcame them with the pressure. On the other side of the ball, I think Eli will have a huge game. It’s important to use the run game too, but I think he’s going to throw for 300 yards and 2-3 TDs. It will be difficult for the Pats to handle Cruz, Nicks & Manningham plus a solid Giants run game. I’m not disrespecting the Pats or anything like that. I respect them enough that I’m likely not betting on the Giants. If I was that confident I would bet. I will probably just stick to prop bets. Since I have to pick one team I’ll go GMen. Giants 31-21.

Moving on, I need to talk about my special series of columns where I am recapping all 27 WrestleMania events between February 1st and this year’s WrestleMania. I am posting the recaps exclusively on thejohnreport.net every Monday, Wednesday & Friday and sometimes I will post them on a Sunday as well when I need to. The recap to WrestleMania 1 is here while WrestleMania 2 is here. These weren’t great shows, but they were important in terms of setting the stage for what WrestleMania would ultimately become. I’ve been getting tremendous feedback on them. Let me know what you think, please. I’m sure that as we get further along to the more recent shows there will be a lot of reflecting on what happened, which is what I want.

Last Week’s Poll Results
The poll question was: Are you a fan of Brodus Clay’s “Funkasaurus” character? The results after 2,000+ votes:

Yes – 60.44%
Too early to tell – 18.39%
No – 12.37%
I just like the song – 8.8%

I voted yes. I didn’t know what to expect with the results, but assumed most people liked the gimmick. I think Brodus is going to need a real feud sooner rather than later because if not the character is going to get stale very quick.

This Week’s Poll Question: Will CM Punk & Daniel Bryan walk into WrestleMania 28 as the WWE & World Champions?
This one is interesting. Both CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are defending their respective titles at February’s Elimination Chamber PPV where odds are against both of them leaving that event holding their titles. The question is, will they still be holding their titles going into WrestleMania 28 on April 1st?

I voted for both. That’s my hope and my belief. I think Punk vs. Jericho for the WWE Title at WrestleMania is very likely. For the World Title, I think Daniel Bryan defending against Sheamus & Randy Orton is a strong possibility. Perhaps a fourth man could be involved. I’m not sure. I just hope that Bryan walks in with the title because he deserves it.

I wrote about Raw live on Monday, so here are some more thoughts.

An excellent edition of Raw
I loved Raw this week. I gave it a 9/10, which is a very high score by my standards. There weren’t a whole lot of wasted moments on the show. That’s all we ask. Make every segment count, or at least try to limit the bad ones. If that can happen on a consistent basis then Raw will be a better television show. The last three Raw episodes earned ratings of 7, 7 and 9. Most years the shows are better from January through March because they have a better idea of where things are going.

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
A fantastic match. Surprised? Of course not. These are two of my favorite performers doing the thing that made me fall in love with the business in the first place: WRESTLING! Yep, I busted out the caps for that one. I was okay with the non finish because if you book either guy to lose it would make them look too weak heading into the Elimination Chamber match. Plus, it’s the start of the Jericho/Punk program that I’ve been looking forward to so much. Let’s hope this week’s Raw starts off with a Jericho/Punk promo. That could be great.

The Undertaker returns and Hunter walks away
I did not expect to see The Undertaker back on Raw this week. I was pleasantly surprised. He walked out, looked at the WrestleMania sign, looked at Triple H and expected a similar reaction from Hunter. Instead, Hunter patted him on the shoulder as if to say: “I don’t blame you for coming back because your wife has an annoying voice, but I’m just not that interested.” That’s how I interpreted it anyway. I’d anticipate the Hunter/Undertaker match to happen at WrestleMania with Shawn Michaels as referee as rumored, but there’s no rush in terms of when they announce it. Tell a story. Make it interesting. That’s what wrestling is all about.

The other point worth making regarding Undertaker is that after Raw was over, instead of writing me about how great the show was most people were commenting about Undertaker’s obvious wig. Pics of him last summer circulated the net and what was interesting is that his head was shaved. Between then and now, maybe he kept a short haircut. Maybe he’s growing it out and it will be ready by the time he has to wrestle on April 1. I have no idea. I guess it says a lot about the man that when he returns after being gone for 10 months a lot of people wonder about what his hair might be like. That’s respect…I think.

John Cena to enter WrestleMania 28 with the song “Invincible”
The song is by the artist Machine Gun Kelly. It’s one of the theme songs of WrestleMania 28. You will hear it approximately 847 times between now and April 1st. It was announced this week that Cena would also enter to the song Invincible, which I assume will be performed live in Miami. What caught my eye was this statement by Machine Gun Kelly: “John Cena and myself are both underdogs and the song is about struggle. I think it’s so cool they chose it.” John Cena is an underdog? Clearly MGK has never seen WWE in the last 9 years. What kind of drugs is he on? By the way I don’t hate the song…yet.

Other thoughts:

- Regarding the Royal Rumble, I’m not a fan of changing the finish from Jericho to Sheamus just because people online expected it to be Jericho. I think TJR writer Mike Aires nailed it in his column on Friday. You shouldn’t change plans because of what people think is going to happen. You should do what you think is best. Why let others dictate what you do? Go with what you believe is best.

- Is John Laurinaitis still the interim Raw GM? I’m not sure. The comments on Smackdown make it seem like he got removed from the role, but I think it’s an unresolved issue at this time. It’s a good way to keep people tuned in week after week to see where this story is going.

- We found out that Kharma had her baby on December 31. She returned at the Royal Rumble on January 29th. I’m not sure when she’ll be back as a full time performer, but the sooner the better. The divas division needs her.

A few likes and dislikes from this week’s Smackdown. You can read about the ups and downs of Smackdown by TJR’s Andrew Johnson. It’s always an entertaining read.

LIKE – Daniel Bryan’s “I’m a vegan” speech
The World Champion Daniel Bryan was set to be interviewed by Michael Cole, but then he told him to leave. Bryan went on to rant about how wrong people were for eating meat and for how right he was for being a vegan. It’s an idea that they did two years ago with CM Punk doing his Straight Edge Society gimmick. It’s not the message that is drawing the heat. It’s how Bryan (and Punk in the past) says the message that is drawing the heat. Nobody likes a preacher. Nobody likes a guy that is going to say I’m better than you and then list reasons why. With the push he’s received, Bryan’s confidence has gone up and it showed during this promo. By the way, the “We Love Bacon” chant by the crowd was hilarious.

DISLIKE – Mark Henry suspended for barely doing anything
When Teddy Long announced the participants for the Elimination Chamber, Mark Henry was one of them. He complained about it saying he wanted a World Title match that night instead. Teddy said no. Mark put his hands on him barely, so Teddy suspended him. In reality, Henry’s got a knee injury and he’s been given a few weeks off, but couldn’t they have done a better job with this. He barely did anything to get suspended. I have more sympathy for Henry than I do for Long, which isn’t the intent unless of course this is leading to Long being ousted as Smackdown GM. It’s time for Teddy to go. I feel like I’ve been writing that for years now.

LIKE – Randy Orton handles his business against Wade Barrett in a No DQ Match
It appears as though the Orton/Barrett feud is finally over with that clean & decisive win by Randy Orton. The announcers did a good job of trying to say that Barrett has been elevated due to this feud, but I’m not sure if the audience will see it that way. It depends on how he’s booked going forward. As for the match, it got about ***1/4, you knew Barrett has no chance of winning and I liked how Orton won in an emphatic way with the RKO on the steel chair.

By the way, I miss Wade Barrett’s previous theme song. It was one of my favorites.

DISLIKE – Natalya has a farting problem
Why are they doing this angle? Last week Natalya farted during a backstage segment with Teddy Long and this week she farted during a stretching routine with Beth Phoenix. I understand that Vince McMahon loves poop and fart jokes for whatever reason, but to give that to a diva as a gimmick to somehow get them over? That’s silly. The only good thing I saw out of this was that Beth tagged Natalya in, got the win for her team and then walked away. Looks like they’re doing the angle where Beth is becoming an egomaniac, so Natalya could go face out of it. I’d love a Beth vs. Natalya feud.

DISLIKE – Great Khali in the Elimination Chamber match
Mark Henry is hurt. He needs to heal up. Fine. I get that. Of all the people on the roster you could pick to replace him, the choice is The Great Khali? Why? Nobody wants to see the guy wrestle. Every time he walks it looks like he might tip over and break one of his kneecaps. He can barely take a bump at this point of his life. Why not Christian? I know he had an ankle injury, but as far as I know he’s over it now. He’d do a much better job (FYI I actually typed in “jobber” there) in the match and frankly I miss the guy. One…more…match.

Just because I had two likes and three dislikes doesn’t mean I thought Smackdown was bad. I thought it was a 6/10 kind of show. I just write what I feel is worth sharing.

Other thoughts:
- Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton is announced for next week in a non-title match. I thought this would be the WrestleMania match although with Sheamus winning that changes things. It should be great although I don’t expect a clean finish. If they get 15+ minutes they could come close to what Bryan & Punk did on Raw this week.

- Sheamus won his match with a “new” move. The announcers acted as if they had never seen the move before. They are idiots. Finlay used to do it all the time. Here’s video proof. I don’t ask that the announcers be really smart. Just don’t be really stupid. Find some middle ground.

I’ll bring the Twitter Ten back for Tuesday’s Raw Deal. On Monday, if you’re following me on Twitter, I’ll ask for questions.

Some likes and dislikes regarding TNA’s Impact Wrestling.

LIKE – The atmosphere of the show being taped in London, England
It was so refreshing to not only see them out of the Impact Zone, but also in front of 7,000 fans that were actually making noise. The noise was genuine for most of it, except when Garett Bischoff spoke and they had to pipe in cheers because nobody really cares about the guy. If you follow TNA wrestlers like I do (some of em anyway), you could see how excited they were wrestling in front of that crowd. It’s a shame that there are no more road tapings scheduled any time son except for the Lockdown PPV in April, which is taking place in Nashville.

DISLIKE – Anything with Hogan & Bischoff
Enough already! Look, I understand they wanted to put Hogan on the screen in England because he hadn’t been there in over a decade, but having him endorse Garett Bischoff is nauseating. Fans don’t want to cheer Garett. I had dozens of people that were at the show tell me he was booed loudly, but on the broadcast they edited that out. I’m tired of Hulk Hogan and I’m even more tired of Eric Bischoff. They represent the past of a failed company known as WCW. They haven’t meant a thing for TV ratings in the past and Impact was becoming a better TV show without Hulk. Now he’s back spouting off the same “TNA is on the brink of something big” speech he has said for over two years. Yawn.

LIKE – James Storm wrestles twice
First he wrestled Bobby Roode, which is not something I would give away on free TV, but I understand why it was done since there was no Jeff Hardy on the program. Then Storm wrestled Bully Ray in the main event. I thought both matches were very solid, in the three star range, and did a good job of building up the PPV title match featuring those three along with Hardy. Storm is killing it right now. That means he’s doing well, for those not down with the lingo. You’re welcome.

DISLIKE – Crimson’s undefeated streak is over…right?
The tag team scene has featured some weird booking. Last month Morgan & Crimson beat Joe & Magnus. In the weeks that followed, Morgan & Crimson beat each Joe & Magnus in singles matches, yet they got attacked post match. On this week’s show, the Magnus & Joe team won a match where both guys were in the ring at the same time while the Morgan & Crimson duo had to tag in and out. Morgan got pinned to take the loss for his team. Since his team lost, that means Crimson is no longer undefeated right? My guess is they won’t go by that logic. This is TNA, where logic is optional.

LIKE – Austin Aries vs. Mark Haskins
They had an entertaining four minute match, which isn’t a surprise because Aries is arguably the best performer in all of TNA. Haskins actually ended up receiving a concussion during the match because of his botched Shooting Star Press, but they still put on a good show. Even though it was only a five minute match, it was still nice to see an X-Division match worked at such a fast pace.

Other thoughts:
- Impact has been a better show in the last two months. I don’t dislike things that much when I watch it. It’s a welcome change.

- The Tara/Gail match was fine. I’m tired of the finishes with a second heel knockout getting involved because it’s a trend that has been happening for far too long in TNA, but I guess I’ll take what I can get. These are two women that know what they’re doing in the ring. More of that please.

- On a final TNA related note, at TJR we have coverage of their new Ring Ka King promotion and our writer is from India, so he’s been able to provide some perspective on some of the things they’re doing on the show that may be tough to understand. I know reading through it helped me understand it even more. To read Siddhartha’s recaps of the first two episodes click here. I thought they were solid as debut shows. It will be interesting to see how the stories progress. I’ve heard enough good things about it to keep watching, though.

Random Clip of the Week
For this I’m going with my favorite February match in WWE history. A lot of people write lists about favorite WrestleMania, Summerslam or Royal Rumble matches, but what about matches from a particular month? If I wrote a listing of best February matches this would be at the very top. It’s Steve Austin vs. Triple H at No Way Out 2001 in a Three Stages of Hell Match. I have plenty of thoughts below, but first here’s the match.

I wrote about this back in 2004 in my top 50 matches from 2000 to 2004 (that’s five years) column that some of you may remember. I rated the match five stars (out of five) meaning it is the epitome of an excellent wrestling match. Here was my analysis of that match:

This was a big match in many ways, especially for Austin. Just four months before this match he came back from neck surgery and we didn’t really know what kind of shape he’d be in. He had some really good TV matches, and some okay PPV ones, but nothing to really tell us what we’d get from him here. What we ended up with was one of the finest brawls ever. The action did not stop here. Sure, at times they moved slower to sell the beatdowns and there’s a good chance Austin was legit tired, but it didn’t hurt the match one bit. What I liked the best about this match was it was booked so evenly. Neither guy was on the receiving end of punishment more than the other one. It was about as even a brawl as you could get, and obviously that was the goal of both guys once you saw the ending, which was also very even. I can’t praise it enough. This was two guys at the top of their game in an element they had perfected. It doesn’t get much better than this.

I remember at the time of match that I was upset with HHH going over here. While they made it clear that Austin wouldn’t lose his Mania main event slot, I was surprised that he lost. Then when I mulled it over a bit more, I realized it was done with a hint toward the future, for that future Austin/HHH match later in the year where HHH would point out that he beat Austin earlier. If Hunter didn’t tear his quad a few months after this, I’d assume that’s where they were going with this. Austin didn’t have to win here, so the booking did make sense after all. Austin was my wrestler of the year in 2001 while HHH was my wrestler of the year in 2000. While this match was exceptional, there was the sense that there’d be more from Austin and Hunter in the future. Sadly, there wasn’t another match and that’s okay because this match will stand on its own in my memory for as long as I live. Simply awesome.

Eleven years later, I still love it including the build up to the match. I bet if it took place at a WrestleMania more people would talk about how great it is. Another February match that I highly recommend is Angle vs. Undertaker from No Way Out 2006. That’s a classic too. Obviously a lot of the Elimination Chamber matches are good and the Guerrero vs. Lesnar match from No Way Out 2004 is a favorite of a lot of people too. If you think about it, February’s one of the better months in WWE history for having great matches.

Melo Out with Steve Melo

What the crack lads? I will probably be saying that a lot now that Sheamus shocked the crap out of me by winning the 2012 Royal Rumble. I was so sure that Jericho was taking it and it would have been the end of the world as we knew it, but here we are.

I watched the Royal Rumble pay per view on Sunday. I actually paid for it. “Are you not entertained?” as Maximus would say. I was actually. I’ve read and heard mixed reactions but I was indeed entertained. Am I not merciful you busy little bees? Sorry, I just recently saw the movie Gladiator again and I’ve been quoting it nonstop in everyday conversations. Where was I? Oh ya…Royal Rumble. I enjoyed it even though the comedy spots were pretty predictable and I was left with more questions than I cared to answer after the fact. Thankfully I got most of my answers on Monday night RAW, which was the best episode this year so far. Hands down. I could talk about the great wrestling that was featured on the show, but I want to talk about what happened at the very end. I want to talk about the return of The Undertaker.

Before his return, I was already reading that a lot of people did not want to see Triple H face Undertaker for the third time at Wrestlemania 28. I can’t say I agree. Personally I want to see it because it is the third time and quite frankly, third time is the charm as the saying goes. It makes it more believable that the streak could actually end, that instead of going 20-0 that Undertaker could in fact end his career 19-1. I have also read rumors that they may bring in HBK as a special guest referee. That to me makes the story going into this even more interesting and I am hoping they do. Sure they could have picked a new challenger, a younger opponent to help elevate, but it’s not about that to me. It’s about the streak. Besides, who else on the roster would you actually believe could end the streak? I would say Cena, but he is tied up with Rock so scratch him off the list. Also, will WWE acknowledge the fact that it is the third encounter between HHH & Taker? They didn’t last year but I could see them doing it now play up more on the fact that Triple H just can’t get it done. It could go many ways but I for one am very interested to see where this goes. Sure an opponent like Barrett or even Sheamus had he not won the Rumble would have been new and fresh, but would you believe either of them to be the one to end the streak? Not me. I was actually hoping instead of Sheamus choosing to challenge either champion that he would announce he wanted the streak. Don’t see that happening now.

Until next week, Melo out & shut your mouth! (See what I did there?)

Steve “The Melo Man” Melo
Facebook: MeloOutTJR
Twitter: @MeloOutTJR

—————

That’s a wrap for this week. My Writing-fest continues with WrestleMania 3 going up on TJR on Monday, the Raw Deal on Tuesday, WrestleMania 4 on Wednesday, WrestleMania 5 on Friday and probably Canton’s Corner a week from today. I may give myself a Canton’s Corner break one of these weeks because I’m going to lose my mind sooner than I’d like if I don’t. We’ll see how it goes.

Have a great week. Enjoy the Super Bowl. Remember Giants 31-21. You’re welcome.

John Canton – john@thejohnreport.net
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Visit my 10+ year column archive at the Wrestling Oratory right HERE.

 Hello everyone, and welcome to the 5th, 3rd, 80th whatever Smacking Of Smackdown review. In lieu of asking you to leave a comment below after you read these carefully crafted words, I would ask you to send a fruit basket or maybe a flower arraignment instead. If that’s a little to inconvenient for you, then I suppose a comment will do.

Alright, let’s smack your cares away! (Great, I thought I finally found a catchphrase but now I have the “Fraggle Rock” theme song stuck in my head. That’s going to be there all day.)

Since some of you don’t actually watch the show that I’m currently in the process of reviewing (shame on you) here are the results in the order that they happened. I would tell you what happened in order, but if I did that this would be more of a recap then a review. Besides, I might start giving star ratings for matches, and if I did that I’d probably just have to go ahead and kill myself.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Results:

 Teddy Long announces Smackdown Elimination Chamber match, suspends Mark Henry

Sheamus defeats Cody Rhodes

Hunico vs. Justin Gabriel never took place, Great Khali beat up everyone/ruined everything

Primo & Epico defeated Santino & Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Daniel Bryan in-ring promo

Beth Phoenix & Natalya defeated Tamina & Aksana

Randy Orton defeated Wade Barrett

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Got it? Good. Now lets get through the bad stuff first. I wanna warn you, the good to bad ratio is pretty unbalanced this week, and not in a good way.

(Smacked Down can be loosely translated as “uuuuuuugh”)

Teddy Long’s On-Screen Stroke

I don’t know how many of you actually watched the show this week, but I think you should go YouTube it just so you can have the opportunity to watch a grown man forget how to talk on national television. Teddy Long slurred more words then a drunk. For example, what the hell is a “rural ramble match”? Because whatever it is, Sheamus is the “too tow sand and twelb” winner of it.  Not to sound racist, but Teddy Long stopped being himself and partially morphed into Eddie Murphy’s impression of Buck Wheat. It was insane. His job is to wear big stupid suits, dance like a 1920′s shoe shine, and talk, and two of those aren’t even necessary. If you’re the general manager of Smackdown and 80% of what you say needs to be repeated because you sound like you’re stroking out in front of a large crowd, that’s a problem.

In actuality, this whole segment was kind of a disaster. But, not all the blame could be laid on Teddy Long’s mush mouth and lack of cognitive abilities. I know it’s been coming for a while because you can only tear so many tendons and ligaments before you realistically should take a break, but Mark Henry getting suspended really kind of set my mood to low. I understand that he’s nursing several injuries, and I want him to get healthy enough that maybe he can make it back by WrestleMania. I do, because he’s worked extremely hard this past year, and he deserves to be on that card. I guess I was just wishing my dream of Mark Henry: Color Commentator would come true, even though all he would do for two hours is intimidate Michael Cole and call Daniel Bryan a bitch.

Also, special Smacked Down goes to Sheamus for ruining a potentially wonderful moment. I knew when Mark was wrapping Teddy’s tie around his hand and said “If I’m gonna get suspended, I’m gonna at least get my money’s worth” I knew someone was going to make the save, because apparently the good guys like having an incompetent (possible) stroke victim as their boss, but watching Sheamus Brogue Kick Henry and rob him of his chance to free us of this goddamn nightmare made me stand up and boo The Celtic Warrior. HARD.

Nice Try Hunico

For the past few weeks I’ve mentioned that Hunico and his new Gangland gimmick make me uneasy. Well, this week before his match he came out and basically accused the entire WWE Universe of not being stars, saying that everyone judges him and Camacho based on their appearance. While I applaud Hunico for standing up for himself against people like me who write about how seeing a thug on television makes me hover my finger over the 911 speed dial on my phone, it didn’t really make the impact that I think he wanted it to. Main reason being that he was absolutely wrong. Telling people not to judge someone based on their appearance is unrealistic, especially when your entrance consists of riding out on a low rider bike and you’re dressed like César Sánchez from One Eight Seven. You’re a character on a television show where your props establish your identity. If you came out carrying a trash can and your entrance music was the sound of a truck backing up, am I not supposed to assume you’re a garbage man? If you want me to stop writing mean words about how you’re a thug, then stop acting like a thug. If you don’t care, then stop whining about it. If your goal is to make people less nervous when you’re around, then put on a sweater vest and ask Dolph Ziggler to teach Camacho how to caddie, but until then just shut up and wrestle.

Oh God, No

Watching Hunico and Camacho (along with Cody Rhodes (yay!)) gang kick the shit out of Justin Gabriel was fine (because you know, Cody Rhodes bias) but it was all ruined with the reemergence of The Great Khali. I really don’t want to go on a typical Internet anti-Khali rant, so I’m just going to try and sum this up this whole experience with emoticons:

It started with :-/ (Hunico entrance) then went to :-) (Cody Rhodes doing something/anything) then went to :-0 (Punjanbi entrance music) then it went to :-( (actually seeing Khali) then to >:-( (watching Cody run away from Khali, who then beat the hell out of Hunico) then it went to >:-O (hearing that Khali would be in the Elimination Chamber match in place of Mark Henry) and finally X-( (I am brain dead).

So yeah, I hated this.

Who Let The Homeless Drunk In Here

I know there are a lot of people out there that think Hacksaw Jim Duggan is one of the best ever, and he deserves our respect and admiration for all the years he’s dedicated to making us smile. They would be wrong of course, because Jim Duggan has never been good. No, shut up, you’re wrong. He’s never been good. Ever.

Look, I’m not really a fan of running down old people who might possibly have a mental handicap, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan is the worst. Sit and think about his character for a second. He’s a loud mouthed homeless looking moron who carries around a two-by-four and screams “Hoooooo!” and that’s somehow supposed to symbolize America. It makes no sense. There are a lot of things in wrestling that are stupid that I can excuse, like rationalizing why a mystical undead being and his firestarter brother would be using their magic to win wrestling matches instead of, you know, anything else, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan was the catalyst for most of the dumb characters we have all grown to despise and mock over the years. He’s more of a cartoon character then f**king Scooby Doo. Actually, he’s more of a dog then Scooby Doo, because if you asked me “Do you think Hacksaw Jim Duggan might eat his own shit?” I would have a hard time saying no. Okay, that might be a little unfair. My point is that you’re free to criticize characters like Kizarny or Vito in a goddamn dress as being stupid and unnecessary, but if I catch you cheering for Jim Duggan I’m going to call bullshit and do my best into shaming you until you never chant “USA” again.

Anyway, I think what really upsets me the most about this whole thing is that it symbolizes the end of the Santoshi tag team I was hoping would become something. Yoshi Tatsu is like a million times better then Hacksaw Jim Duggan, so for Santino to drop his standards that far for his second choice of what is probably going to be a revolving door of partners, it doesn’t really hold much hope for next week. If he drops as far as he did this episode then next week he’ll probably be teaming with a blow up doll.

So I Guess Vince Finally Got Around To Listening To Those Old Adam Sandler Albums

That’s the only way I can rationalize this whole Natalya farting thing. I could go on about how degrading a beautiful and talented women into pretending to fart on camera is a horrible waste of both time and ability, but I really don’t have it in me. I’m willing to bet this whole passing gas gimmick is actually Vince’s idea so it’s probably not going to go away anytime soon, so I don’t see why I should bother. My bitching about it wouldn’t change anything, because I’m just a fan with a blog that has zero impact on anything that is going to happen, and apparently Vince McMahon is 12.

I did find it funny though to watch the Divas Champion disregard any and all of Natalya’s efforts in their match, tag herself in, and lay waste to Akasana before pinning her. Fart jokes just don’t destroy the credibility of a character to the audience, but it even made Beth Phoenix go “gross” and end the match herself, because she didn’t trust that the girl who can’t keep air from escaping her asshole wouldn’t screw it up. I said it was funny, but not in a “haha” way. More like a “where’s that liquor bottle” way.

 Drew McIntyre’s Transformation Into MVP: Week 6

When I read the spoilers the Smackdown spoilers (because I’m weak) I noticed it said there was a Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater match where afterward Drew ran in and attacked the Funkasaurus from behind. I watched this show over and over trying to find this segment, but the only trace of Drew McIntyre I saw was him begging Teddy Long to give him one more chance (again). I don’t know if it was cut for time reasons or if they changed their minds and didn’t want Clay to look vulnerable against a guy that hasn’t won a match for like the past seven years, but I like to think that when the camera men see Drew McIntyre now, they just roll their eyes and turn off their cameras to save battery power.

Also, it was hard trying to find what they could have possibly taken away from Drew this week as punishment for being Drew McIntyre, but three seconds into his segment I realized it was his fashion sense. Straps on a white long sleeve shirt? Pee yew!

(Smacked Up can be loosely translated as “yaaaaaaay”)

Oh My God, Cody Rhodes Is So Awesome

Before the Cody praise begins, I want to say that pointing at the WrestleMania sign is one of the most overused tropes in WWE, and nobody should be doing it anymore unless it’s someone stupid like Curt Hawkins, and he’s doing it sarcastically.

Anyway, while I hated watching Sheamus talk about how he hadn’t decided yet on what title he was going to challenge for at WrestleMania (hint: it’s the World title because anything else would be dumb and unnecessary, unless WWE wants to throw another curve ball and have him challenge for the ECW title and try to start a feud with someone dead like Andre the Giant or something, beginning a new “Sheamus seems to have has legit lost his mind” story arc, because why not) it was saved by the arrival of Cody Rhodes. I especially enjoyed watching Cody compare Sheamus to the Ultimate Warrior (because he totally is, albeit more successful and talented) and then saying both Sheamus and Teddy are hard to understand. Sheamus because he’s the embodiment of what American’s think Irish people are like, and Teddy because he’s a f**king disaster. It was great, and it made me only appreciate him more, because obviously Cody Rhodes and I think alike and maybe one day if I’m lucky he’ll be my friend and we can take turns playing Zelda together while my wife heats up some mini-pizza rolls.

While the match ended sadly with a Cody loss (boo!) it was still very good. Highlights include Cody Rhodes doing a moonsault, Cody Rhodes doing a disaster kick off the barricade, Cody Rhodes selling Emerald Fushion, Cody Rhodes doing anything. Oh, I think Sheamus was there too. I’ll have to go back and check.

Will Someone PLEASE Think Of The Baby Pigs

For the past week I’ve been conducting an experiment that consists of an all vegan diet. No dairy, no meat, all veggies all the time. I’ve been doing it for two reasons:

1) I’m trying to get healthier, and on paper veganism is by far the most healthy lifestyle. BY FAR.

2) I have a lot of vegan influences in my life (my sister-in-law, a buddy at work, one of my oldest friends, and lately TJR’s friend Brandon Stroud who is like veganism incarnate, but not in the pretentious douchey way, more like the encouraging and optimistic way) and they all swear by it, so I thought I would give it a try to finally shut some of them up.

In my one week experience I can see both the pluses and minuses of it. It is healthy as hell (I’ve lost four pounds in five days) and while my poop may be greener then I’d like, I genuinely feel better. It’s like my body is running on cleaner fuel. But, the bad is that not everything tastes great, and there is no real substitute for sweet delicious meat. I don’t think I’ll be fully committing to a vegan lifestyle, but I’m glad I tried it, and I have a new found respect for people that choose not to eat animals. It’s not really for me, but I think at least incorporating some of what I learned and cutting down on my meat intake will make me happier, and healthier in the long run.

That being said I can totally see why vegans get a bad rap. There’s one vegan market in my area and it’s like a million miles away and it’s expensive as hell. The whole time I was there the people were pretentious and snobby, and it everything in me to not go to Burger King and buy 30 whoppers and eat them all right there at the register. Just because you don’t eat meat doesn’t mean you’re better then me, and vice versa. We’re all different people with different tastes and different desires. Yours just happens to be protecting animals and living a long healthy life, while mine is reaping the benefits of murder and dying at 33 from clogged arteries.

So watching Daniel Bryan come out and try to justify that he’s better then everyone because he’s not eating animals but tofu instead is kind of a stroke of genius. Yes, not all vegans are pretentious assholes, but the ones that are can be heat magnets and tend to give the whole lifestyle a bad vibe. It’s like CM Punk’s straight edge lifestyle diatribes, only waaaaaay more annoying because it makes you think of PETA, and PETA are hypocritical hate mongering pieces of shit. When Bryan started going off about how we need to think about the poor cows, chickens, and baby pigs, I was hooked.

I want more vegan-asshole Daniel Bryan, but if they really want him to get boos he should announce that he’s from Portland Oregon, wear dark rimmed glasses without lenses, and drive a Prius to the ring. That would really bring it together nicely.

Oh, Daniel Bryan Is One Clever Bastard

He really, really is.

Making Big Show look like an asshole isn’t really that hard, because for the most part he does it pretty well himself (“I just got done eating a big steak hur hur hur”- go f**k yourself) but having AJ come down and appeal to Show’s guilt-ridden heart to stop his assault on her boyfriend was pretty effective. Especially because of ^smug grin^. Daniel Bryan is becoming more and more the vegan version of a 1980′s ski movie asshole boyfriend, and that’s just wonderful.

John Cena = Invincible

My wife is not a fan of wrestling. At all. She puts up with it for me and never complains whenever I have the guys over to watch a PPV, but you can tell she just doesn’t have any interest in what’s going on. Part of it has to do with the fact that she’s the intellectual type, and this form of entertainment is what she would consider to be generally beneath her. When we’re watching wrestling she’s usually reading a book or studying for her masters classes. But, this past Sunday we got the Royal Rumble, and unlike most times she watched almost the entire thing. While she didn’t really enjoy most of it (“Why wouldn’t that big guy just walk out the cage door, it doesn’t make sense” -actual quote) there was one thing that she really took a shine to, and that was the John Cena “Invincible” hype video. After watching it, she couldn’t believe that people booed John Cena. It amazed her that someone who gives as much as he does and is so passionate about what he does could ever deserve ridicule. My brother Adam explained that most people were just tired of his gimmick and the fact that he wins all the time and all the other generic comment section quotes that I’ve seen a million times, and she said she could see his point.

A little while later they showed The Rock’s video, and she asked if he was the bad guy going into WrestleMania. Adam responded with no, he’s the legend and is probably going to get the most cheers. At that point it was like Adam was speaking German or something, because she couldn’t understand how that was possible, and I have to agree. If you watch these videos back to back, Cena’s video really makes him look great, and The Rock’s make him look like a dick. If you separate yourself from your overwhelming fandom for a second, you’ll see that The Rock does not deserve our praise. He’s just the dad that left you and the rest of your family for his own selfish reasons, and only comes back around on Christmas and birthdays. John Cena is the step-dad that has worked his ass off to make you happy, and you hate him despite all he’s done for you. John Cena is the guy that stepped up when things were down, and yeah he’s not your dad, but he’s been there for you more then you’re actual father ever has been and he doesn’t even care that you hate him. He just wants you to be happy, and if booing him and telling him he sucks will do that, then he’ll take that hit.

Right after the show my wife went on Facebook and “liked” John Cena. She even wrote him a message saying she doesn’t like wrestling, but she likes him, and she’ll be rooting for him at WrestleMania XXVIII. And you know what? So will I.

Anticipation Is So Much Better Then Blood

While the main event felt like it dragged at times, overall it was very good and a great way to end the Orton/Barrett rivalry. A lot can be said about the PG eras lack of blood hurting the image of brutality that might be needed to tell a story, and while I agree with that to a point, it isn’t always necessary. Take the go-home segment of this bout. As soon as I saw that chair in the middle of the ring, I said to myself “RKO on the chair, YES.” Then when he hit the RKO and it wasn’t on the chair I kind of got deflated, but then I realized Randy wasn’t going for the pin. My next thought was “OMG the punt, there goes Wade’s brain cells” but it didn’t happen. Instead, we got to see Orton slither his way over to the chair like he was f**king Lord Voldemort. The anticipation that built at that moment was wonderful, and it made it all the more dramatic when I finally got to see Wade’s head get caved into the steel. Standing alone it wasn’t all that special, but because of the intentness the destruction was way more impactful on me. I don’t need to see Barrett stumbling around the ring trying to keep his brains from leaking out of his skull to feel like something was painful and dangerous. The build, the anticipation, is more than enough.

Well, That Was Awkward

At the end of the show Teddy Long informed everyone that next week Daniel Bryan will go one on one with Randy Orton, and D Bry’s response to this was to run out while Orton celebrated and jump around screaming “YES!” like an idiot, and it while it was dumb as hell it was also pretty great. Other things I want to see Bryan interrupt so he can loudly cheer for himself:

1) Anything with Teddy Long.

2) Company picnics.

3) The Super Bowl.

4) Me playing X Box.

Thanks again for reading this very long review of Smackdown. If you made it this far, a winner is you. I’ll see you all next week.

The second WrestleMania was unique in that it emanated from three different cities: Long Island (New York), Chicago and Los Angeles with each city getting one hour of live action.

For fans in the arenas, they got to see one hour of the show live and then they watched the rest of it on giant screens that were lowered to create a movie type atmosphere. It was a unique PPV concept that frankly didn’t work out too well. Thankfully it was an idea that wasn’t repeated. The event was also held on a Monday, which is a little known fact. Of course as I’m sure you all know the other ones have each been on a Sunday.

We start off in Nassau Coliseum. The announcers for this portion were Vince McMahon and celebrity commentator Susan St. James, who was known for being on the TV show Kate & Allie. Thankfully I was too young to have watched that show because it sounds awful. Needless to say, a celebrity commentator calling the action was a bad idea.

I should point out that I got all the shows put on discs a few years back by a friend. For this one, there aren’t any intros for any of the guys. It goes straight to the matches. I guess it’s a Coliseum Video release of WrestleMania II most likely.

Paul Orndorff vs. Don Muraco
Orndorff was a babyface here while Muraco was the heel managed by Mr. Fuji. As it’s about to begin, we get pre-match comments from both guys. Orndorff got control early with a bodyslam and he followed it up with some mocking of Mr. Fuji’s eyes. Susan tells us that it will only get Fuji mad. Thanks for the insight. Orndorff hit a back body drop, arm drag, step over toe hold and then an armbar in a nice flurry of action. Wow that armbar lasted way too long. Did they get tired after a whole minute of action? Muraco countered with a Samoan Drop and whipped him into the turnbuckle. Orndorff came back with punches, then they brawled out to the floor and continued brawling leading to a double countout at 4:10.
No winner due to a double countout

After the match, they continue to brawl until the ref breaks it up. The crowd was hot for this and they even started up a “bullshit” chant as Vince said the fans did not like the outcome of this one. Yeah Vince because the booking sucked.

Analysis: DUD Brutal. Why even book a double countout finish when a match is so short? The crowd was right to chant “bullshit” for that one.

Intercontinental Title: “Macho Man” Randy Savage w/Elizabeth vs. George “The Animal” Steele
Macho is an arrogant heel that treats Elizabeth poorly while Steele is in love with her. Susan offers some relationship tips that were about how Randy should treat Elizabeth better. Well aren’t we lucky to have her in the booth for that? Macho runs away from him a lot at the beginning of the match. Steele finally grabs him and bites him on the back of his calf. Steele tosses him down with a double choke. Susan: “Kind of changes things there a little bit huh?” What a thrilling observation again. Steele was looking at Elizabeth, so Savage trapped him in the ropes. Macho to the top and he gets a sloppy crossbody for two. Steele tosses him out to the floor. Savage gets back in, so George throws him back out and Macho crawls under the ring. He pops up on the other side to attack Steele. George no sells it, Savage gets an eye gouge and bails again. Savage gets a bouquet of flowers. He hits Steele in the face with them. George whips him into the turnbuckle and then he beats on him with flowers. Yes flowers are a weapon. George ate one of the turnbuckles. That was his gimmick if you don’t know. He shoved some turnbuckle padding into Macho’s face. Macho bailed again. He came face to face with Elizabeth, who Susan realizes is a good weapon for Macho Man. She’s such a genius. Anyway, Savage attacks George from behind, throws him back in, hits a body slam and the top rope elbow for only two. It wasn’t the deadly finisher that it would later become. Animal grabs his face and then whips him into the corner. The ref pulled him back, Macho tripped him up and pinned him by putting his feet on the ropes at 5:10.
Winner: “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Post match, George ate another one of the turnbuckles. He also chased after a ref when he told him to stop. What a gimmick.

Analysis: 1/2* The idea was that Macho Man was scared of him, so he kept running away. George kicked out of his finisher, but Savage was resourceful enough to find another way to get the victory. The crowd was hot for most of it. The WrestleMania debut of the great Randy Savage did not give us a memorable match, but there’d be plenty of those down the road.

Jake Roberts vs. George Wells
I don’t have much info on Wells. I looked him up and honestly didn’t even remember this match happened on this card. Roberts is the heel here. Wells starts out on fire, but Roberts throws him to the floor. Wait, he slithered out to the floor according to Vinny Mac. Back in, Wells hit him with a shoulderblock. Wells whipped him into two turnbuckles and then gave him a headscissors across the ring. I was surprised he could even do that. Wells gets a bodyslam followed by a punch to the mouth. Wells whipped him in and dropped him down hard with a powerslam. Roberts slithered again, according to Vince. This time to the floor. They went back in the ring, Roberts hit him with his knee lift and then finished it off with the DDT for the win at 3:15.
Winner: Jake Roberts

Post match, Jake goes for his bag with the snake in it. Jake wraps the snake around the body of Wells, as well as his throat. George starts frothing at the mouth. Jake got good heel heat here.

Analysis: 1/2* It was basic booking. Wells got a lot of offense in early, Roberts outsmarted him and then knocked him out with the DDT. The match played to Jake’s strengths so it worked in that sense. It was a good match to get over Roberts’ character.

They show a video package highlighting the feud between Roddy Piper and Mr. T. It was built off of WrestleMania 1. They had an altercation on Saturday Night’s Main Event a few months before this. Bob Orton attacked T from behind so they double teamed him to set up this match.

Backstage, Piper did a promo with Lou Duva and Bob Orton saying if Mr. T knocked him out he would quit boxing, wrestling and everything. He said he was in the best shape of his life. Then they cut to Mr. T doing a promo. He had Joe Frazier with him as well as a midget named the Haiti Kid. We go straight to the match.

Boxing Match: Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T
They have boxing gloves on. The rules are that it would be a match with ten rounds of boxing. I remember watching this only once because it wasn’t pretty. Each round would be three minutes. Three minute rounds and it was very slow.

Round One: Mr. T got a bit of a flurry in round one. Susan thinks Roddy will wear himself out. There’s no better boxing expert than a woman that starred in a TV show named “Kate & Allie” huh? The three minutes end with T dominating him in the corner while everybody comes in the ring to break them up.

Round Two: “Well Susan, who would you give the first round to?” Yes, Vince asked that actual question. She didn’t really answer. Piper started out on fire, swinging wildly, but ultimately not doing a whole lot of damage. Vince started yelling saying Mr. T was in trouble because Roddy had him propped up in the corner. Piper continued to get shots in. A big right hand knocked Mr. T down. Piper kicked him while he was down as the ref counted T down. The man named Mister got back to his feet at the eight count. The fight continued. As the bell sounded to end round two, Mr. T collapsed to the mat. That was probably the booking to have him fall after the bell, which makes sense because they wanted Piper to cheat even more. Piper stomped on him. “What did he do that for?” asked Susan. Because he’s a jerk. That’s his role. Thanks for coming, Susan.

Round Three: It was time for Mr. T to show some life. He pounded on Piper until Roddy was in the corner, sitting down on his butt. The ref counted him down. Roddy got back up for the eight count. They look really winded by this point, which isn’t a surprise. Piper got shoved into the corner, T hit him with the left hand and Roddy took a bump out to the floor. If you look at it again you can tell that he barely hit him there. The biggest punch of the match was the most worked of them. Piper got back in for the eight count again. The round ended with them at a standstill again.

Round Four: To start the round, Piper threw his stool at Mr. T. The ref started the round anyway. They threw unprotected punches at each other with each man looking incredibly winded. T’s mouth guard came out. The ref threw it away. If that happens in a real fight you’re supposed to put it back in. Worst boxing ref ever. They continued to exchange punches. Piper shoved the ref down and gave Mr. T a bodyslam. The ref rang the bell for a disqualification at 13:14. Susan claims she knew this would happen.  She’s such a genius.
Winner via disqualification: Mr. T

After the fight ended, the brawl continued with everybody trying to break it up. When the ref raised Mr. T’s hand, Piper attacked him one more time. Piper left the ring to major heel heat.

Analysis: I’m not rating it with star ratings. The first round was slow, Piper won the second and then Mr. T won the third. It was typical “even steven” type of booking. Then Piper got mad, so he got himself DQ’d. It was fine as a boxing exhibition although not something they should do too often and thankfully they understood that. I thought Mr. T was better at WrestleMania 1 than he was here. This match didn’t show off his personality as much as he should. Piper was a great heel, but better as a wrestling heel than a boxing heel because of all the little things he can do right in the ring.

That’s the end of the Nassau portion of the show. Dear Susan St. James, you were awful.

Next up is the Chicago part. The announcers for this part are Gorilla Monsoon (love him), Gene Okerlund (rare to hear him on commentary) and Cathy Lee Crosby, who was most famous for a TV show called That’s Incredible. If you’ve never heard of it then I guess it wasn’t that incredible after all, huh?

Ladies Title: The Fabulous Moolah vs. Velvet McIntyre
Moolah dominated the match. She hit a succession of snapmares and then a sloppy clothesline. McIntyre came back with some dropkicks followed by a back elbow and bodyslam. She missed a splash off the middle ropes. Moolah covered her. That’s good enough for the pin at 0:59.
Winner: The Fabulous Moolah

Analysis: -* That’s it? It’s probably for the best that it was so short. Finish was very poor.

Corporal Kirchner vs. Nikolai Volkoff w/Freddie Blassie
There were flags in the corner of each guy with Kirchner representing America while Volkoff represented the Soviet Union. They fought outside the ring with Volkoff dominating him. They went back in with the Corporal coming back. He accidentally knocked the ref down with a punch. Blassie threw his cane to Volkoff, Kirchner intercepted it and he hit Volkoff with it. The ref recovered (he’s such a badass that he recovered quickly), counted the pin and Kirchner won at 1:40.
Winner: Corporal Kirchner

Analysis: DUD It was very rushed. Kirchner didn’t last in WWE too long after this. I don’t think he was missed very much.

Mean Gene Okerlund went into the ring to explain the rules for the 20 man over the top rope battle royal. The guest referee was Chicago Bears legendary middle linebacker Dick Butkus, who has the one of the best names ever. Another guest referee is Dallas Cowboys legend Too Tall Jones. The participants get introduced by Mean Gene individually. It features WWE wrestlers and also many NFL players.

20 Man Battle Royal: Jimbo Covert (Chicago Bears), Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi (strongest man in the world), Harvey Martin (Dallas Cowboys), Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (later known as Haku/Meng), Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes (Pittsburgh Steelers), B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic (Atlanta Falcons), Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis (San Francisco 49ers), Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry (Chicago Bears) and Andre The Giant
They had Ernie Ladd join the announce team. Covert and Kid Tonga got eliminated. It’s weird seeing Andre The Giant in gold shorts. Ernie Holmes is next to be eliminated. Giant and Studd went at it. Those two would be considered the favorites because each guy won a lot of battle royals in their careers. Jim Brunzell is out. The Fridge eliminated Tony Atlas, so the crowd went nuts. The crowd was going nuts for Fridge fighting with Studd. He was a very popular player at that time, especially in the city of Chicago where this took place just a few months after their Super Bowl victory. Pedro Morales and Harvey Martin were next to be eliminated. Ted Arcidi and Dan Spivey got eliminated, then Hillbilly Jim and B. Brian Blair soon followed. If I miss people…well…it’s just not that exciting. Fralic was out followed by Iron Sheik, who probably should have lasted longer. “He took a bump right on his head,” yelled Ernie Ladd in the broadcast booth. Bruno Sammartino was next. His career was near the end by this point. The crowd went nuts as Perry went after Bret & Anvil, but they held on. He charged at Studd, but Studd elbowed him and threw him out. Fridge wants a handshake on the floor, so he pulled him out to eliminate him. The crowd loved that. Fridge was over huge. They’re down to four with Andre, Anvil, Bret Hart and Russ Francis of the San Francisco 49ers. Hart Foundation throws Russ out so it’s those two versus Andre, who is a very popular babyface at this point in his career. He gets the boot up to knock Bret down and then he rams Anvil’s head into Bret for the “double noggin knocker” as Gorilla calls it. Andre boots Neidhart and he takes a nice dive over the top. He’s eliminated. Bret goes to the top, Andre throws him over the top rope where he crashes onto Anvil on the floor. Andre wins at 9:13.
Winner: Andre The Giant

Analysis: * A very boring battle royal, but that’s how they usually were in this time period. They booked a lot of them in this era with either Andre or Studd emerging as the winner because they were the biggest guys. You think it was easy for Andre to take a bump over to the top to the floor? Hell no. The Studd/Perry spots were the best of the match, but that’s not saying much. This was Bret Hart’s WrestleMania debut. He’d have many more that were a lot more memorable than this.

Finally we have a good match up next!

WWE Tag Team Titles: The Dream Team (Brutus Beefcake & Greg “The Hammer” Valentine) vs. The British Bulldogs (The Dynamite Kid & Davey Boy Smith)
The Bulldogs have Captain Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne with them while the heel champions have Johnny Valiant with them. I was such a mark for the Bulldogs as a kid and when I got older I watched some Dynamite Kid tapes from when he was in Japan. He was one of the best workers in the world. Now he’s in a wheelchair. The Bulldogs start in control early, making quick tags and Smith hit his patented delayed vertical suplex. In case you don’t know, Davey Boy’s son is Harry Smith, who was a former tag champion in WWE named DH Smith. The crowd was really hot for the match because the challengers were chasing the champs for a long time. Smith ducks after a whip in the ropes, Valentine chops him and hits a headbutt to the stomach. Beefcake gets a tag in, Smith fights him off and hits a press slam. He tags in Kid who gets a chop and cradle on Beefcake for two. Smith hits a Fisherman’s suplex (later known as a Perfectplex) for two. That was a sweet move. Beefcake was able to get a tag to Valentine, who hit Smith with an elbow to the back of the head. He hits a suplex for two. He grabs Smith in a headlock, but he fights it off and tags in Kid. He beats up Valentine in the corner, so Valentine does a Flair flop face first bump. Bulldogs do a double shoulder tackle. Beefcake evens the odds for Valentine, Kid comes back again and gets a sunset flip for a great two count. It seemed like there was some confusion there. Backbreaker by Kid gets two as Beefcake makes the save.

Gene offers this on commentary: “Ozzy Osbourne is shaking at ringside.” I guess that means he’s excited. They barely showed Ozzy. Valentine hit a piledriver on Kid for a very good nearfall. Kid gets the double knees up to counter another attack. Valentine to the top, Kid throws him off as Hammer takes the Flair bump off the top. Flair was heavily influenced by Hammer’s dad Johnny Valentine too, so it’s not like he stole the spots from Ric. The Bulldogs go for a double team press slam, but Valentine rolls to the floor. Back in the ring, he dominates Kid. Davey Boy gets the tag and he hits his running powerslam that would be his finisher in later years. Suplex by Smith. Valentine counters a whip and Smith takes it hard, right on his shoulder. Beefcake gets the tag. He slams Smith down, right on the left arm that Smith hurt in the corner. Tag to Valentine, who gets another elbow to the head. I always remember Valentine as the guy that uses his elbows a lot. He went for a pin, but pulled Smith up. Kid was perched up on the top rope, so Smith grabbed Valentine by the head and rammed him head first into Kid, who bumped all the way to the floor! Smith covered for the pinfall and victory at 13:03.
Winners and New Tag Team Champions: The British Bulldogs

The crowd went nuts for the finish. This was a big deal because of how well it got built up and the Bulldogs were very popular.

Analysis: *** It was a strong tag match for this time period. The booking wasn’t that traditional because the faces were on offense for about 70% of the match. On the heel side, Valentine worked the majority of the match while Brutus only had a few moments because The Hammer was the better worker of the two. Brutus was never that good in the ring. He got over because of his charisma, but also because he was close to Hogan. Dynamite Kid was one of the best workers ever. If you ask most people in the business they would tell you that. Sadly, soon after this match he would hurt his back so bad that he was never the same again. He’s confined to a wheelchair now. I’ve read his book. It’s very gripping and raw, but also very honest as well. Anyway, the match was very solid and I liked the unique finish too. It was a great moment for the Bulldogs, who were one of my favorite teams of all time.

We move on to the third and final part of the show which took place in Los Angeles. The commentators were Lord Alfred Hayes, Jesse Ventura and the celebrity guest this time was Elvira. Jesse says “What a pair we make” because well….she liked to show off her chesticles. I could have used a lot of words. I went with chesticles. They set up the final hour of matches at ringside with Steamboat vs. Hercules up next. I should add that Jesse is in full heel mode here. A year earlier he wasn’t a heel announcer. He’s much better in this role.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez
Steamboat was a babyface of course. He was always the babyface. Hernandez had the name shortened to just Hercules in later years. He was a power guy, with a shade similar to Sheamus and Steamboat was one of the best workers ever. Lots of high flying offense by Steamboat early as he used his speed. Steamer (consider that a nickname) hit one of his patented arm drags to ground Hercules, working on his left arm. Steamboat had the best arm drag in wrestling, no doubt about it. I don’t think Elvira has said anything for the first two minutes of the match, which makes her my favorite of the guest commentators. Finally she joins Jesse in mocking the attire of Steamboat because he had a red string around his knee. Ricky continued with the offense until Hercules stopped him with a huge clothesline. Nice stun gun by Hercules. That was always one of my favorite moves in wrestling. It’s dangerous if you mess it up. Steamboat went for a slam, but Hernandez fell on top for a count of two. Hernandez gets a back elbow and drops a couple elbows on Ricky’s chest for a count of two. Back to his feet, Ricky hit a couple of chops. Hercules hits a clothesline for a couple of two counts followed by a slam. He hits another slam, this time more of a Gorilla Press slam. Hercules went to the top rope, went for a splash and Ricky got his knees up in his face. Ricky goes up, crowd cheers loudly and he hits the flying crossbody block for the victory at 7:27.
Winner: Ricky Steamboat

Analysis: **1/4 A solid match, which isn’t a surprise with Steamboat involved. I thought it would have been better if he did more of a comeback before the finish. It seemed rushed. Still, the crowd popped for the finish. Hercules was a decent worker. Not as bad as some of the big guys in that he could move a bit. Steamboat was on the rise here. A year later he’d have a classic match that I’m sure you all know about. I’m looking forward to watching that one again.

“Adorable” Adrian Adonis w/Jimmy Hart vs. Uncle Elmer
I barely remember Uncle Elmer, which is a good thing I think. Adonis was famous mostly for his over the top gimmick. He was the heel of course. Elmer starts out on fire, whipping Adonis into the corner and he takes a Flair corner bump. He goes back in the ring, so Elmer whips him into the corner again. Adonis takes another bump to the floor. Elmer, the country boy, rips off Adonis’ pink shirt (he also had makeup on his face). Elmer hits Adonis with his gut, so Adrian takes a bump that sees him end up tied up in the ropes. Adonis takes off his shirt/dress as Elvira wishes he put the dress back on. Elmer hits a big splash in the corner. He goes for a leg, but that misses. Adonis goes to the top rope and hits an awkward looking splash for the pin at 3:01.
Winner: Adrian Adonis

Analysis: DUD That was pretty bad. I’m glad it was short. That’s the best thing I can say about it.

Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog vs. Dory Funk Jr. (Hoss Funk) & Terry Funk w/Jimmy Hart
The Funks are brothers of course. They called him Hoss for the match, but I’m going with Dory. JYD and Santana were popular babyfaces with JYD always getting a lot of support from the fans. Dory and JYD start it off. JYD overpowers, then Terry runs in so JYD gives bodyslams to both of them multiple times until they retreat. Terry and Tito tag in. Terry got whipped in the ropes, took a bump against the ropes on his stomach and then Tito knocked him out of the ring. Then he hit a dropkick on Dory to send him out of the ring too. Jimmy Hart does not stop talking outside the ring, hence why he’s called the “Mouth of the South.” JYD tags in, he unloads on Funk by ramming his head into the turnbuckle ten times. Then he does it in another turnbuckle. A headbutt leads to a pin, but Dory saves his brother. JYD threw Terry over the top rope. Lots of bumping to the floor by the Funk brothers. Dory gets control on Tito with some uppercuts to the jaw. Tito comes back with the flying forearm for two. The first five minutes of the match is all about the Santana/JYD team dominating the action.

The Funks take control after Hart distracts the ref and Terry hits a cheap knee to the back of Tito. “It looks like he’s really hurt there,” says Elvira. Yes Elvira that’s kind of the point of wrestling. Then she questioned why Jimmy Hart was kicking Tito on the floor. So much for Elvira being a heel announcer. Back in the ring, Terry hit a suplex on Tito for two. Santana countered with a suplex while Elvira wonders if they are wearing strong trunks so that they don’t break away. Then Santana & Terry bump heads, but Terry is close to his corner so he tags in Dory who gets a butterfly suplex by two. The Funks get a double clothesline on Tito as they isolate on Santana, who is the babyface in peril here. Eventually Tito tags in JYD after he crawled around the mat to avoid Terry from grabbing. The crowd goes wild as JYD enters the match. He punches both Funks and then rams their heads together for the dreaded DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER~! He gets a clothesline on Terry Funk. Funk tries to choke JYD with a rope, but he powers out of it and gives Funk a backdrop over the top rope all the way to the floor. Wow what a bump by Terry Funk, who was in his early 40s around this time. JYD attacks them on the floor. He gives Terry a bodyslam on a table although it’s not like a table you’d see in today’s WWE. It was more of a white plastic type of table, not a breakable one. Back in the ring, JYD knocked Jimmy Hart down with a punch and knocked Dory down as well. JYD gets a small package on Terry, but Dory saves his brother before the three count. Santana gets a figure four leglock on Dory just for the hell of it. With Dory out of the hold, JYD goes after Dory while the ref tries to restrain Tito and that allows Jimmy Hart to throw the megaphone to Terry, who crushes JYD in the head with it. That’s enough for the pinfall win for the Funk Brothers at 11:42.
Winners: Terry Funk & Dory (Hoss) Funk Jr.

Analysis: **3/4 That was a tag team match that had all of the tricks that make tag team wrestling good. The faces started on fire, the heels isolated on Santana, JYD was great on offense after getting the hot tag (he wasn’t great at much in the ring) and the finish was well done with the Funk Brothers outsmarting them for the win. The standout star of the match was Terry Funk, who took some crazy bumps going over the top to the floor several times.

They show a video that shows why we’re having the main event match in the cage. Hogan was against Don Muraco. King Kong Bundy showed up and hit him in the corner with three consecutive Avalanche splashes. Then Bundy hit the splash in the center of the ring. Then he hit the splash onto Hogan’s back.

WWE World Heavyweight Title in a Steel Cage: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy w/Bobby Heenan
They are using the blue steel cage for this one. It’s “escape the cage” rules, so no pinfalls or submissions here. Hogan is the babyface WWE Champion while Bundy’s the gigantic heel challenger. Hogan starts off with punches and then hits a boot to the face. The crowd is going crazy for Hogan. He was ridiculously over at this point in his career, which isn’t really news because everybody knows that. Hogan hit a clothesline that almost knocked Bundy down, but he couldn’t do it. Bundy blocked Hogan’s attempt to throw him into the cage and he countered with shots to the ribs. Bundy worked over the ribs, which were taped up due to the attack at Saturday Night’s Main Event prior to this. Bundy asked for the door to open. Hogan grabbed him by the leg to prevent it. Bundy picked up Hogan and slammed him against the cage. Hogan prevented another escape. Bundy took the tape off Hogan’s ribs and choked Hulk with it. Then he tied Hogan to the ropes with the tape. Hulk fought out of it to prevent another escape attempt by Bundy. Hulk attacked with right hands of his own as well as a hard whip into the turnbuckle. He rammed Bundy into the “iron bars” according to Hayes while Jesse called them “iron steel.” Meanwhile, Bundy is bleeding. The camera was on him while he was blading. Oops. Bad job by the director there.

Hogan works on the wound of Bundy with big right hands to the cut. Hulk’s offense? The dreaded back rake of death. Elvira wonders why they can’t stop this as Jesse explains it can only happen when they exit the cage. Elvira sucks…possibly literally. I’m just talking about the commentary here. Hogan continues to attack Bundy, using the cage as a weapon. Hogan goes for a body slam, but Bundy’s too big and he crashes on top. Bundy tries to leave through the door. Hogan stops it by using the tape to choke him. Bundy rakes him in the eyes and hits the big Avalanche splash in the corner. Then he gets the Big Splash in the middle of the ring. The crowd gasps because that’s his finishing move. Bundy tries to crawl out, but Hulk has the energy to bring him back in. Bundy does the Avalanche again, Hogan no sells it and it’s HULK UP~! time. Hogan hits a big powerslam on Bundy, which was a big deal at this time because Bundy was a very fat man. Then he gets the leg drop. Hogan tries to climb out. Heenan’s blocking him. Bundy grabs his leg. Hogan kicks him off. Hogan climbs over the cage and touches down at 10:15 for the win as Bundy almost gets out the door.
Winner: Hulk Hogan

Post match, Hogan chased Heenan into the steel cage. Bundy was outside the ring, still reeling from the beating. Hogan threw Heenan into the cage and then hit an atomic drop as Bobby took the bump all the way outside the ring.

Analysis: *1/4 A typical Hogan match although the Hulking Up part wasn’t set up the same way it would be set up in every match down the road. I don’t think anybody expected Bundy to win here. They had good heat for much of it, which was typical of every Hogan match especially at WrestleMania.

After it was over, guest ring announcer Tommy Lasorda announced Hogan as the winner of the match.

—————–

FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS
- I’m sure that the idea of doing this show from three different venues sounded like a good idea on paper to Vince McMahon, but it was not effective in terms of producing a quality program. Of the three crowds, I’d say Los Angeles and Chicago were a lot better than Nassau although the matches in the Nassau part were not very good either.

- The commentating was awful from all three venues. The only one that was decent was the LA part because Jesse was trying to involve Elvira. The other guest announcers were brutal to the point that they made me want to hit mute repeatedly. Another bad idea, Vince. Thankfully the traditional pairing of a play by play announcer with a heel color commentator is the format that would be the common theme for future WrestleMania events.

- Roddy Piper did everything right in terms of riling up fans. I think any current heel wrestler would be doing themselves a favor by watching tapes of Piper in the mid to late 80s. It wasn’t his fault that the boxing match with Mr. T was a disaster. Piper looked to be in shape while Mr. T looked gassed by the third round. Roddy’s one of the best ever

- This was the first WrestleMania for Randy Savage and Bret Hart, two guys who would go on to become two of the five best WrestleMania performers of all time in my opinion.

- Hulk Hogan was ridiculously popular with the fans. I know it goes without saying, but the reactions to everything he did were on a different than everybody else. It’s amazing considering he does offensive moves like raking his nails across the back of his opponent. Can I tell I find that move ridiculous? It is. Still, it worked for Hulk. Less is more.

OPINIONS
Best Match: British Bulldogs vs. The Dream Team – The match with the Funks was good too, but this one told a better story. The finish was unique. It worked very well.

Worst Match: Fabulous Moolah vs. Velvet McIntyre – I don’t understand why this was even on the card. It was worse booking than a 2011-12 WWE Divas match. That’s how bad it was. Other matches like Orndorff/Muraco, Roberts/Wells, Piper/T, Kirchner/Volkoff and Adonis/Elmer were all really bad too.

Most Memorable Moment: The tag title win by the Bulldogs stands out because it was their only reign as champions. They were chasing the champs for a while, so when they finally won it was a big deal.

Three Stars:
1. Terry Funk – He was amazing in that tag match, bumping like a madman and carrying the action.
2. British Bulldogs – I’m cheating it by giving it to two people. They were an incredible team here with fast tags and terrific chemistry.
3. Randy Savage – Showed flashes of brilliance in his first WrestleMania even working against a limited opponent like George Steele.

Show rating (out of 10): 4

Every one of the big matches on the show was a disappointment from the Hogan/Bundy cage match, the battle royal and the Piper/Mr. T boxing match. If the big matches are that poor it hurts the whole show. The two tag matches carried by the Bulldogs and Funk Brothers respectively were the highlights of this one. Still, as good as those matches were they can’t overshadow the fact that 8 of the 12 matches were really bad. Having twelve matches is an obvious issue too. That was far too many although I understand why since they had four matches at each venue.

The best way to sum up the first two WrestleManias is to say that they felt more like a Saturday Night’s Main Event TV special instead of a big event like the WrestleManias we know today. The first one was about getting WrestleMania on the map. The second one did a lot of similar things although they did a lot of things wrong too like the multiple venues, too many matches and the guest commentators that had little product knowledge. Thankfully for us the third WrestleMania got them back on the right track again in a huge way.

Previous recaps:
WrestleMania 1 – Hogan/Mr T vs. Piper/Orndorff

Next up:
WrestleMania 3 on Monday
WrestleMania 4 on Wednesday
WrestleMania 5 on Friday

John Canton – john@thejohnreport.net
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Last Friday’s column, besides being about awesome and horrible characters, featured my picks for the Royal Rumble pay-per-view.  I was fairly close on my predictions for the entire show, minus a couple of minor things here and there.  Cena and Kane going at it outside of the ring (right by a TJR sign, no less) to a Double Disqualification was fairly predictable.  The World Heavyweight Championship went about as planned, as did the WWE Championship match.  The Rumble, however, was a big freaking curve ball.

Heading in, I think we all had our winners picked out:  Chris Jericho or Randy Orton.  It seemed like everything pointed to one of the two winning.  The obvious plans were to have Orton face Daniel Bryan Danielson at WrestleMania, and/or Jericho and CM Punk facing off.  I also honestly considered some dark horses to win.  Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes, Wade Barrett, Miz, Mark Henry/Big Show or, god forbid, John Cena, seemed like they had a small, but legit chance.  Hell, with the push of the “every person can enter” stipulation, it seemed like even CM Punk or Daniel Bryan might have a shot.  Yet there we were, watching Beaker celebrate as the Royal Rumble Match winner, and #1 contender for one of the two world championships.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some Sheamus.  Fella has come such a long way and is thoroughly entertaining.  However, the fact that Orton or Jericho are more than likely STILL locked in the title matches at WrestleMania makes the Sheamus win questionable.

Then I start reading the fact that Jericho was the planned winner, but they changed it due to the fact that the internetz all figured that Y2J was going to win.

Really?  Really?  REALLY?

If this is true, and they changed the original plans of the Rumble because the internet had figured out the winner, then Vince and Co. have gone full-blown rtard (which you never do).  I know that they fly by the seats of their pants, and change scenarios, ideas, storylines, and feuds on a daily basis, but this?  We know how vocal the internet community can be when it comes to wrestling (HI GUYS!) but we are also not the only audience.  There were plenty of other people that were cheering for just about anyone to win.  The general wrestling fan base, aka kids, just expect their favorite guy to win.  That’s all that matters to them.  If anything, just give us what we want.  Don’t try to be a smart ass in swerving the people of what makes sense.  Jericho made sense.  Orton made sense.  Sheamus however, did not.

Don’t get me wrong, Sheamus is a big fan favorite right now, and shouldn’t be considered a “dark horse” at all.  But the fact that they usually like to have “The Road to WrestleMania” fairly planned out when the year starts, a swerve at the end tends to only hurt everyone.

Granted, Sheamus has been getting extremely good pops as of late.  But so has Brodus Clay.  Why not just give him a title shot.  Why not Zack Ryder?  Hell, just give it to John Cena.  I mean Jericho has this big comeback where his first words are basically “at the Royal Rumble, everything starts”.  Then…he doesn’t win the match.  I understand that every year people say they are going to win, but it was the fact that everything was lined up for him to win it, and immediately go after Punk.  Instead, they just have him do it the next night on Monday Night Raw.  So did his talk about “the end of the world as we know it” mean nothing?

Same goes for Orton.  What a great story for arguably the 2^nd biggest fan favorite in the company to return from storyline injury to take out Barrett, then take out the final participant in the Rumble in order to go try and take back his title from that evil Daniel Bryan Danielson.  But instead, a Sheamus win basically does nothing for his character, and damn near forces Orton back to his feud with Barrett.

It shouldn’t be hard for them to put together coherent storylines OR matches.  When they try to tent pole ideas for a foreseeable future, but then change things on a day-to-day basis, it creates nothing but chaos.  Not the good chaos, mind you.  The fact that the Rumble was so…blah, with a terrible winner, and the fact that Raw the very next night was so good just blows me away.

This isn’t the first major time this has happened either.  Remember when Jeff Hardy was huge, and then he got ran down and was being attacked by someone we didn’t know?  It was totally supposed to be the returning-from-TNA Christian, and we ALL knew it.  It was fantastic.

Then it is time for the big reveal.  CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN! FINALLY YOU’RE…Matt Hardy?  Matt Hardy ended up being the person who was attacking and trying to kill his own brother.  Why?  Because Vince and Company wanted it pull a surprise and everyone on the internet knew it was Christian.  How did that feud turn out?  Terrible.  Someone might even say it was so bad that it lead both Jeff and Matt Hardy down the road to addiction.  That someone would be stupid, but the entire feud did not come off well at all, and Christian ended up debuting on the WWECW show for some reason.

They had that entire angle played out, and we were going to get a reunited heel team of Edge and Christian, while probably ruling SmackDown together.  Instead we got angry Matt Hardy, which led to absolutely nothing.  Huge storylines, great ideas, and a quicker rise of Christian to the upper card were all thrown to the wayside just because the internet was onto their plans.  That’s not the way to run any business, let alone a wrestling company.  Yes, surprises are great…but a good idea is a good idea.

So why do they do this?  Why do they feel the need to basically jeopardize what few good ideas they have just in order to make the internet smarks question their entire life existence? Granted, it’s quite funny to see the responses when something doesn’t go the way they wanted it to in wrestling.  It’s freaking professional wrestling.  However it’s probably more likely that they do diverges like this just to try to make us continue to feel like anything can happen.  Just like with the Sheamus win, whenever rag sites are constantly reporting the same thing, then that DOESN’T happen…it makes them look stupid, and makes us wonder what is going on.  It harks back to the old days when all we had was wrestling hotlines to call, and never really knew what was going happen week-to-week (let alone months in advance).

Unfortunately, this problem may not ever go away, and may not ever lessen.  With social media, texting, and all the thousands of websites dedicated to the art of professional wrestling, they will continue to try and “surprise” us.  They will deflect the audience as much as they can without making it redundant.  Quick heel or face turns, surprise entrants into main event-style matches, and storylines that do not make complete sense are all possible and likely.

A balance needs to be found between the two.  Surprises like I described above are really good things.  It’s what keeps things interesting on a week to week basis.  Sacrificing the good of the company for those same surprises is absolutely pointless.  While I didn’t have a problem with Sheamus winning, I consider that to be a bad sacrifice for the company.  Matt Hardy replacing Christian in the Jeff Hardy feud was also a terrible sacrifice for the company just to wander the internet.  Kharma coming back ahead of schedule at the Rumble on the other hand was a fantastic surprise.

It’s just a matter of figuring out the balance.  The marks and smarks out there usually want what is best for their wrestling companies.  Just because they know what is coming doesn’t mean it is less effective, or not as impressive.  Seeing Jericho or Orton win the Rumble, Christian beat up Jeff Hardy, or any of the other waver instances would have still worked out as planned.  Do not let the vocal, yet small fanbase dictate what you do just because we may have an idea of where a storyline goes.  Yes, the fanbase can be brutal and negative about a lot of things in the business.  Take an idea where it needs to go, however, and we will thoroughly enjoy it.

That’s all for this week aireheads.  What did you guys think of the Rumble (and the excellent Raw that followed)?  Was Sheamus’ win something that has a plan, or was it a last minute decision just to stray all the “Jericho or Orton are winning” internet peeps?

Let me know in the comment section below.  I get paid for every comment you make, so if you want to leave 20 comments to make one sentence, go right ahead.*

*I get paid $0.00 dollars for each comment.

You can also hit me up on twitter.  I’m like the 4^th most followed writer, and I don’t have other shit to sell you like those assclowns do.  That means I’m pretty awesome.

@OSUmike03

Also, remember to check out Headlines each and every Tuesday with Fozzie (@FozzieMB) and myself as we discuss news from the weekend and make fun of each other.

WWE’s last PPV offering was the Royal Rumble. I think it’s fair to say that the match that carries its namesake is one we all look forward to. The Royal Rumble match sets the winner on a road towards destiny as he earns a World Title Match at WrestleMania. The first four years of the event did not provide such an opportunity for the winners. Then in 1992, amid chaos and controversy surrounding the WWF Championship, the title was declared vacant and it was announced that the winner would become the new WWF Champion. Starting in 1993 and all the way until the present day the winner of the Royal Rumble Match would be granted a Championship Match at the biggest event of the year. In this two part column I will be looking at what winning the Royal Rumble Match has done for the winner’s career. Since the match started having title implications in 1992, that’s where we will start.

1992 Ric Flair- Flair won the vacated WWF Championship by winning the 1992 Royal Rumble Match. In 1991 Flair debuted in the WWF still carrying the WCW Championship belt. Bobby Heenan often referred to Flair as “the Real World’s Champion”. You may remember that even though Flair would wear the belt on WWF TV the title was blurred out due to an injunction WCW filed. Despite being WCW Champion, it remained to be seen if Flair could be a top draw in the WWF. Flair’s first run in WWF/E wasn’t very long or memorable as he lost a Career Ending Match to Mr. Perfect the night after the 1993 Royal Rumble. So, despite winning the Rumble and the Championship, Flair had very little impact in the WWF the first time around. The highlight of his run was this win and a great match with Randy Savage for the title at WrestleMania VIII. It was always believed that Flair was here to face off with Hulk Hogan but we never got that match.

1993 Yokozuna- Vince McMahon loves his big men. Right now his big man of the moment is Brodus Clay. In 1993 it was Yokozuna. Yoko arrived on the scene in 1992 with an impressive undefeated streak, squashing anyone who stood in his way. 1993 was the first year that the Rumble Match guaranteed the winner a Championship Match at WrestleMania and Yokozuna took full advantage by winning this match and then defeating Bret Hart for the gold at WrestleMania IX. His first title reign was very short lived because in a matter of moments he lost the belt to Hulk Hogan. Yokozuna would later regain the title at June’s King of the Ring PPV and held the belt all the way to WrestleMania X. Yoko would never regain those heights as he moved on to tag team with Owen Hart and then fizzled out by 1996.

1994 Bret Hart and Lex Luger- The 1994 Rumble had the infamous tie. It was determined that both men would receive WWF Championship Matches at WrestleMania X. Lex Luger lost his match. Luger was one of the biggest busts in WWF/E history. Vince McMahon and the company hype machine tried like hell to make Luger into the next Hulk Hogan but it never panned out. Luger was gone from WWF shortly after WrestleMania XI. Hart on the other hand had a much better turn of events from winning the Rumble. Despite winning the WWF Championship in October of 1992 it remained to be seen if Hart could really carry the torch as WWF’s top guy. The Rumble win in 1994 and subsequent Championship victory proved that as Hart became a WWE Hall of Famer and one of the best ever to lace up a pair of boots.

1995 Shawn Michaels- The 1995 Rumble was the beginning of the legend of HBK. Shawn had conquered the Intercontinental Championship level and now it was time to see if he could be the man. HBK entered at number one and won in one of the most incredible fashions in Rumble Match history. Michaels was a heel at this point and would go onto challenge Diesel at WrestleMania XI. Despite falling short in that match you could see plain as day that WWF had their next star in Shawn Michaels.

1996 Shawn Michaels- HBK became the first back-to-back winner of the Rumble match. Shawn was a babyface now after his bodyguard, Sid turned on him after WrestleMania XI. Shawn had been dealing with concussion problems after getting beat up at a night club in New York in late 1995. This was Shawn’s big return to the WWF and he made a big splash by winning the Royal Rumble Match. Shawn would advance to WrestleMania XII and defeat Bret Hart for the WWF Championship in the historic Iron Man Match. Shawn would be at the top of the WWF for the rest of 1996. Injuries cost him the early part of 1997 but he would return to his elite status shortly after WrestleMania XIII up until his last match for almost five years at WrestleMania XIV. Shawn solidified his legendary status after returning at the 2002 edition of SummerSlam.

1997 Stone Cold Steve Austin- Austin started turning heads after he won the 1996 King of the Ring and coined the term “Austin 3:16”. He would then be Bret Hart’s first opponent back as Bret left WWF for a while after WrestleMania XII. Austin was technically eliminated from the Rumble Match but the referees never saw it so he eliminated Vader, Bret Hart and The Undertaker and was declared the winner. He would be stripped of the win the next night on RAW and it was announced that he and the three men he eliminated from the Rumble would face off at the next PPV for the right to challenge the WWF Champion at WrestleMania XIII. That match was won by Bret Hart who became Champion because the title was vacated due to an injury to Shawn Michaels. Stone Cold never got a Championship Match from his Rumble win but he did face Bret Hart in a classic match at WrestleMania XIII and soon became one of the top draws in WWF/E history.

1998 Stone Cold Steve Austin- At this point in time Stone Cold was fully entrenched as WWF’s top babyface. All he needed was a shot at the gold and winning the 1998 Royal Rumble gave him that shot. There are some years you go into a Royal Rumble Match and know there’s only one man walking away with the victory and this was one of those years. We all knew Austin was getting ready to take his place at the top of the WWF mountain and this match gave him a ride there. The Rattlesnake would beat Shawn Michaels for the WWF Championship at WrestleMania XIV and begin one of the most entertaining and iconic runs in company history.

1999 Vince McMahon- This was at the height of the Austin/McMahon war. The two heated rivals entered at one and two in the Rumble Match and would be the last two standing. McMahon won after help from his corporation. Austin ended up being the real winner after beating Vince in a Steel Cage Match at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre PPV he was awarded Number One Contender Status and defeated The Rock for the WWF Championship at WrestleMania XV. The only reason Vince won was to heighten the already steaming hot Austin/McMahon rivalry.

2000 The Rock- The Rock was already a top draw in the WWF, but that was as a heel. The Rock had been a three time WWF Champion at this point but it still felt fresh and new because he was finally a fan favorite. Rock would go onto win the 2000 Rumble but due to a controversial ending would not get a one-on-one match with the Champion, Triple H. The Rock fell short in a Fatal 4Way Elimination Match but would win the gold at the next PPV. This came at a time when Stone Cold Steve Austin was out for a year with a neck injury and the company desperately needed someone to step up and be the top babyface. The Rock took the ball and ran all the way into the endzone. Not only did the Rumble win lead The Rock to become one of the most entertaining WWF/E Superstars of all time but it gave him the platform to become noticed and transcend wrestling and become a Hollywood star.

2001 Stone Cold Steve Austin- This match proved to everyone that The Rattlesnake was indeed back. Austin was only about two months into his return after a yearlong absence due to neck surgery. This match gave Stone Cold his ticket back to the top of the WWF as he would go onto to beat The Rock at WrestleMania X-Seven in the greatest Main Event in WrestleMania history. That would prove to be Austin’s last great moment in WWF. He would turn heel in what was a rather forgettable run and soon had a falling out with the WWF that caused him to leave the company in 2002. Austin would return in February of 2003 to setup for a match with The Rock at WrestleMania XIX that would wind up being Austin’s final match ever. Stone Cold is the only three time winner of the Royal Rumble Match.

2002 Triple H- Just like The Rock in 2000, Hunter had already been a multiple time WWF Champion as a heel. And just like Austin the year prior this was Triple H’s big return after being out of action. Hunter missed about nine months after tearing his quadriceps. The fans were excited to see Hunter back so naturally he came back as a babyface. He won the Rumble Match and beat Chris Jericho to become Undisputed WWF Champion in a very lackluster match. Triple H would lose his title the following month to Hulk Hogan. He would become the first ever WWE World Heavyweight Champion and go onto have a dominant heel run on the RAW brand. People always crack jokes about Triple H being where he is because he married Vince McMahon’s daughter, but the fact of the matter is that he is a tremendous wrestler, one of the best to ever lace up the boots and winning the 2002 Royal Rumble help him build a stellar resume.

Well, boys and girls, that’s all for part one. I’ll be back in a week with a discussion of the Rumble winners from 2003-2012. I hope you enjoyed this. Have a great weekend and Let’s GO GIANTS!!!!

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Friday Headlines: World Peace Achieved! Poverty Eliminated! Cruiserweights Return!

Yes it’s true, ladies and gentlemen. Peace on Earth has finally been achieved…oh… it hasn’t? Crap. Well, that’s too bad, but I have better news than that for the .00283F5% of the world’s people that make up the wrestling smark population. PWInsider is reporting that WWE is currently working on a brand new series for the WWE Network that would be focused solely on cruiserweight wrestlers. I have to say that this must be stopped. This is just the beginning. First it’s cruiserweights, but then along comes Judy Bagwell. After her, Rick Steiner shows up and starts arguing with the Chucky doll. Then Kevin Nash shows up and…well, he just acts like Kevin Nash and before you know it the Mayan prophecies are fulfilled and WCW has returned!

Ahem… let’s get back to business. As I said, this would be a show for the WWE Network and apparently it has been in development for some time. According to the article, the “Elite” part of the PWInsider site reported a while ago that WWE was working on a list of cruiserweight talent that they planned to bring in for a potential project. The upcoming WWE Network show is that project. On a side note, what constitutes being an “elite” member of a wrestling website? Does it mean that they allow you to read their website while you wear giant black-framed glasses without lenses while sipping a tiny cup of coffee which was made from coffee grounds from the remote nation of Brutananadilewskistan in their super secret coffee shop that has some name like oh I don’t know some Latin word I can’t understand?! End rant. Sorry, I’ve been drinking. (Disclaimer: I haven’t been drinking. Just thought it would make sense if I was.)

WWE has shown interest in producing the show at the gym at Sunlife University, citing the state of the art look as the reasoning behind their choice. While I’m not totally convinced that this is a real place, I can imagine what it was like for Vince McMahon to walk in and see the “state of the art” equipment such as dumbbells, people who aren’t cavemen, and indoor plumbing.

In all seriousness, I’m really excited by this. I know I’m not the only person who was a huge fan of the Cruiserweight division in WCW and WWE. While the division was somewhat tarnished toward the end of its run by Hornswoggle, it has a lasting legacy as a place where smaller workers could go to put on some fantastic matches and steal the show from the bigger guys. The WWE Network is shaping up to have some serious potential, and if they keep rolling out ideas that I can support as much as this one, then I will be the first in line (along with the thousands of other people who will be the first in line) to sign up. (PWInsider)

HEY IT’S LATE BUT I’M AWAKE SO HERE’S THE OTHER NEWS PART

The Rock looks like he’s going to continue his promise of never leaving WWE again. How so, you ask? By starring in a Michael Bay film called Pain and Gain in which he will play a Florida bodybuilder who botches a job where he is supposed to murder a wealthy businessman. Let’s examine that closely. The phrase “botch the job” catches my eye. So if he is botching the job, that means he’s not doing the job, right? So this role would be much better suited for late 90s to early 2000s Triple H. (Prowrestling.net)

Sheamus did an interview with Sky Sports where he was asked about his intentions for Wrestlemania. He stated that he won’t make a decision until after Elimination Chamber. Well, how about that. They’re booking him to be intelligent and wait until he knows who both champions going into Mania will be. I know this is the case pretty much every year, but to have the guy come right out and say it shows smarts on his part. Unfortunately, I’ve already gotten word from my fake sources that his World Heavyweight Championship match with Daniel Bryan has already been bumped from the card in favor of Todd Grisham making his return to take on also-returning Todd Pettengill in a match called “Two Todds, Zero Expectations.” (Prowrestling.net)

New details have surfaced for WWE Legends House. The group of legends will be living in the Harpo Marx Estate near Palms Springs. The cast will live there until the day before Wrestlemania 28 and although most of the show will be shot at the house, the legends will also venture out into the town and take part in golf and hot air balloon outings. I would make a joke about the cast being full of hot air or something stupid like that, but I’m too busy picturing Iron Shiek attacking the balloon with a golf club while screaming how he will fuck the no good shit Hulk Hogan bastard. (Lordsofpain)

That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back on Wednesday with the Midweek Breakdown or the 10 Count or possibly some new name that I come up with.

Cody D.

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Just a few quick bits of business before I get to the review. First of all, I did watch the Royal Rumble live and I’ll be talking about my experience in a column I’m currently writing. Second, NXT was finally posted at nxt.wwe.com some time while I was writing this review a few hours before my deadline. I only got to see the show because of a very grainy upload of the episode to youtube. Apparently international viewers got to see NXT as usual but in the USA it was held back for as-of-now unexplained reasons. I apologize if I missed the subtleties of facial expressions or incorrectly called certain moves. With that out of the way, let’s get on with the show!

NXT Opening:

In a segment that might have set a new record for the number of times a variation of “these people” was used, Titus O’ Neil and Darren Young recognized the silliness of teaming together out of respect only two weeks after loathing each other but did just that anyway. Percy Watson arrived and talked trash at the new Team Titus and was soon joined by Alex Riley, who I have to say was probably the worst choice for Royal Rumble entrant #2 I’ve seen in a while. A-Ry defends “these people” and says that he and Watson have no problem getting in the ring with Titus and Young. Riley finishes his babyface promo with the tag line “Say it to my face” and a scuffle breaks out that the good guys win. Both Titus and Young get thrown out of the ring and Matt Striker shows up to make tonight’s obvious tag team main event.

Tyson Kidd vs Trent Baretta:

For those of you not paying attention, the last match between these two was one of NXT’s best. This one wasn’t quite as epic but definitely one to check out. For as little time as they got Tyson and Baretta put on an exciting and athletic contest that felt more like a babyface vs babyface match than Kidd’s usual battles. In fact, Tyson actually slapped some hands on his way down to the ring……almost like he’s a good guy. I read an interview with him recently where he talked about the possibilities of a high flying tag team with someone like Trent Baretta, so maybe that’s underway here? After watching this match I’m definitely sold on the idea. Tyson does such a good job as a mat-based technical heel that I forget how fun he can be as a face. Anyway, Tyson Kidd scored the pinfall by rolling through Baretta’s top rope hurricanrana. Tyson Kidd wins.

Yeah, I could see Tyson Kidd as a face.

Heath Slater Promo:

Heath Slater, who I had the pleasure of booing the crap out of during the Royal Rumble’s dark match, came out for a promo in street clothes and an uber serious hat. He says that he didn’t want to come back to “this D-list show” but that he had to so he could show us his pinfall victory over Trent Baretta on last week’s episode via the Titan-Tron. William Regal took almost immediate offense to NXT being slandered and threatened to punch Slater in the mouth if he did so again, which is just another reason Mr. Regal might be best commentator in the WWE right now. Slater’s video clip repeats ad naseum until Derrick Bateman decides the live audience has had enough.

Bateman, rightfully surprised the Slater even has a finisher, insults him for being a tad bit of a redneck and for his impressive losing streak. Heath responds by spouting off his inflated list of accomplishments (main-eventing summerslam, three time tag champ, blah blah) and claims that the WWE universe isn’t ready for the damage he’s about to inflict everywhere. Bateman reacts to that claim with a healthy amount of enthusiastic sarcasm and presents his own Titan-Tron clip of Slater’s greatest failures, including pinfall losses to Justin Gabriel and the kiss of death that is losing to Hornswoggle. The live audience breaks out in a “loser, loser” chant, prompted by the graphics on Bateman’s clip, and a fight breaks out because this is wrestling. Bateman gets the upper hand and sends Slater to the outside with a dropkick. Heath decides he’s had enough as Derrick mocks the rock band gimmick inside the ring. To cap off his victory, Maxine heads down to the ring and gives Bateman a kiss since her match is next. Too bad she’s wrestling Alicia Fox……

Maxine vs Alicia Fox:

I think this match had about two moves in it. Johnny Curtis came down maybe 20 seconds in and distracted Maxine long enough for Fox to pin her with a sloppy roll up. Alicia Fox wins.

Beta-Max Backstage Vignette:

After a video explaining why John Cena is a cool person……again…..we find Beta-Max looking for Johnny Curtis backstage. They split up, just like in Scooby-Doo, and Maxine runs right into Kaitlyn. Maxine and Kaitlyn have a tense discussion with the basic ideas being that Kaitlyn thinks Maxine is just gonna hurt Bateman again and that Maxine thinks Kaitlyn likes Bateman as more than a friend. Unbeknownst to all of them, Curtis was listening in on the whole conversation. Bets on whether or not Johnny uses this knowledge to his advantage?

Not this week's Creepy Curtis picture, but close enough. Also, pink ladder.

Darren Young and Titus O’ Neil vs Percy Watson and Alex Riley:

Young actually has control of Watson with some grappling to start off the bout, which is unusual for one of Percy’s matches. After a bit Watson finally hits some offense and jumps onto a retreating Darren Young with a plancha to the outside, leading into the commercial break.

Watson still has control over Young when we return from commercial and hits him with a dropkick. Percy then commits a major mistake by joining Young on the apron itself, which leaves him vulnerable to Young’s Nasty Apron Suplex. Young tags in Titus and the babyface beat-down commences. Titus tosses Percy neck first onto the ropes. Both heels punch and stomp away on Watson as he lies prone near the apron. Young starts to get a little cocky after a spinning neckbreaker and actually starts slapping the back of Watson’s head a bit. Percy almost hulks out and escapes the predicament but soon falls prey to a single-leg takedown and heels once again have control.

After taking a few more slams from Titus, Watson finally uses the corner ropes to kick the big man down and gets the hot tag to Alex Riley. Riley comes in like a house of fire with clotheslines, a spinebuster and his DDT finisher on Watson. Titus is in to break up the count and chaos ensues. Percy Watson ends up getting taken out by Titus on the outside and Riley fails to notice Young tagging Titus back in. A-Ry hits Young with a flapjack but gets leveled from behind by a clothesline from Titus. One Clash of the Titus later and that’s that. Titus O’ Neil and Darren Young win.

Wrap-up:

Despite the extra wait, tonight’s episode of NXT was actually pretty solid. Sure the fact that Darren Young and Titus are now on the same page is pretty silly but this sort of thing happens all the time in wrestling and I can forgive the WWE for it since their pairing turned out to be surprisingly good. Percy turned in a good performance as well as the babyface in peril, creating a decent main event tag match. Overall the little wrestling NXT had this week was good, highlighted by the Kidd/Baretta match.

This week’s promo and character work were also solid, though I am curious as to where the core Beta-Max storyline is going to go. Maxine is indicative of a few of the WWE’s characters recently in that she’s not necessarily a clear heel or face at the moment. She’s certainly dating a face in Derrick Bateman but it wouldn’t take much to bounce her off of Kaitlyn or Johnny Curtis and send her one way or the other. What I suspect is that she and Kaitlyn will soon find reason to fight and if that happens Maxine will probably end up being more of a heel again. We’ll see. The fact that I’m even writing about the storyline’s possibilities is definitely a good sign.

This week’s NXT gets another 6/10.There’s a lot to recommend from this week’s show and if you’ve got the time it’s not a bad episode to watch in its entirety. You might want to skip the opener if you’re not a fan of the “WWE Main Event Setting Promo Sequence” but otherwise give it a watch.

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From Netflix:

Director Alphones makes a big mistake when he decides to shoot his film in a remote Mexican ghost town. Turns out ,the town is the lair of the legendary El Mascarado—a deranged wrestler who begins to kill off cast and crew in bloody death matches. One by one, El Mascarado stalks, captures and attacks his victims, as the remaining members of the group try to find a way to stop the killing spree.

Nothing about this is going to be good.

Wrestlemaniac, or El Mascarado Massacre, (2006) begins with a long shot of a dirt road leading to the front door of a church. Suddenly the doors burst open and a girl, covered in blood, runs screaming from the building. Aaaaaannnd freeze frame. Directorial genius.

The opening credits are played over black and white footage of lucha libre while a mariachi-style song plays. The movie is 75 minutes, and this felt like 15 of those. The film begins in earnest with a strangely facial-haired guy in a cowboy hat explaining a “Dirty Sanchez” to the passengers in his van. His name is Alphonse, and I already hate him. Also in the van are Steve, who wishes he was Jorge Garcia, Jimbo the Stoner, Daisy the Passed-Out Drunk, Debbie and Dallas. The girls are there to film a porn, with Alphonse as director and male lead. Debbie and Dallas—creative genius. Anyway, those two call Alphonse a chauvinist pig for discussing dirty sanchezes. Nevermind the exploitation of women, or anything. He needs to show them some respect, dammit!

Steve is filming this, documentary-style, and he asks Jimbo why he’s here. “Dude, bruh. I like told Alphonse I had a van and then I woke up and like I was on my way to Mexico?” Or whatever. My question is why the hell are they driving to Mexico? Who does that, aside from coyotes and mules? Oh, it’s so they can get lost. Gotcha.

They don’t know where they are, but they find a gas station that looks like it’s been abandoned since their grandparents were born. So, naturally, they stop. As it turns out, there’s a creepy old guy who lives there. I think. Doesn’t matter. They ask him where they are and replies, “WE LOCALS CALL THIS…THE MIDDLE OF NO F**KING WHERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” This guy is, without doubt, one of the worst actors of all time.

Alphonse asks where he can get gas and Mr. Creepy says the next town is 100 miles away. Well Alphonse is a genius when it comes to Jimbo’s van and miles per gallon, because he reveals that he only has 50 miles worth of gas. Mr. Creepy tells them there’s another town called La Sangre de Dios (which Hurley, Jr. translates as “the blood of Christ” because he doesn’t know “Dios” means “God”), but they can’t stop there. So why mention it, moron? Steve nearly jizzes in his pants, because he hear that’s where El Mascarado, a crazy Mexican wrestler who gouged out people’s eyes, was sent to die, I guess. Mr. Creepy repeats his warning for them not to stop there about eight times, but what does he know? He doesn’t even have a cowboy hat. But he  does give Alphonse some free cocaine, because he’s a nice guy.

On the road again, and Big Steve is incredulous that no one knows who the obscure 1960s luchador, El Mascarado, is. The legend is that Mexico wanted to win the 1968 Olympics, and because they don’t understand the Olympics, they picked a masked professional wrestler to represent them. Prior to the Olympics, though, El Mascarado started killing his opponents, so El Presidente exiled him to La Sangre de Dios. Another part of the legend is that El Mascarado magically appeared around the same time three other wrestlers disappeared. Supposedly they took parts from the three missing luchadors to create him.

Quick recap: Mexico’s president Frankenstein’d a masked luchador so he could win the Olympics, because he doesn’t understand what the Olympics are. Apparently no one told him there are no ropes in Olympic wrestling, rendering luchadors useless.

Fortunately, to interrupt the ridiculous story, there is a giant rock in the road that effs up the van and parks it right in front of the padlocked door to Murderville. No one is particularly upset that their vacation to Cabo is effectively ruined, because now they have a ghost town where they can die instead. The group walks around the Wild West ghost town until they find a saloon, which Alphonse decides is the perfect place to shoot a scene involving a plumber. Aside from the fact that they’re doing porn with this douchebag, these girls clearly have no self-respect. They’re about to get busy on top of a dirty bar, and there’s no telling where BOOBS!

In the middle of sexy time, Daisy has to vomit, so she runs 10 miles away to puke behind a building. Why the hell would she run that far just to throw up? Oh, so she can get lost. Gotcha. Well, now she’s gonna get dead. Maybe next time she’ll think twice about running a marathon to find a place to ralph.

Meanwhile, one of the other “actresses” wants to leave, but she forgot that Toolbag broke the van. Suddnely, Jimbo the Stoner realizes Daisy is missing because she has his bag of the drugs. In his infinite wisdom, Alphonse sends Jimbo to find Daisy…alone. He doesn’t find her, but he does die.

The sun is going down, and Alphonse can’t fix the van, so the chick who looks like Topanga from Boy Meets World tells him to scram because her dad was a mechanic when he wasn’t touching her inappropriately, resulting in her current life choices. I made the last part up. So, she’s going to fix the van, even though they have no parts. For some reason, they’re not going to find their friends as a pack. One-at-a-time is most efficient and vulnerable.

The other chick takes off, looking for the missing amigos (because they’re in Mexico, you see), and she is followed by the two dudes. Earlier, while reviewing their cinematic masterpiece, Steve noticed a strange human-shaped shadow that followed Daisy down the street. Now he has an epiphany that they’re not alone. Eventually they find Jimbo, his face a crimson mask—mostly because his skin has been removed. The three idios start to run away, but they see the silhouette of a short, stocky human and shit their pants. They hole up in a room for a minute, then Selfish McCokefiend runs away and locks himself in a church. I don’t know why there are so many locks on the church door, but I guess it’s to make it more difficult to escape while the slowest luchador ever is stalking him. For the record, I imagine  one of the very worst ways to die would be for an old, crazy Mexican dude to rip your face off.

Meanwhile, the big guy and the chick with the boobs found a lair. Steve finds some tape reels, and can’t help but satisfy his f**king curiosity while a maniac is butchering his friends. The tapes are in Spanish, and he struggles to translate them, but he realizes, “HE FOLLOWS THE RULES OF WRESTLING!” In case you didn’t know, “The rules of Mexican wrestling state that when a wrestler’s face is revealed to the public, he must retire in humiliation forever and never show his face to the world again.” I didn’t make that up. In other words, they have to remove his mask so he’ll retire from murder.

The girl sees El Mascarado coming fro them, so they bolt. They find a room at the end of a hallway, which El Mascarado has turned into a sort of trophy room. Fortunately, there’s a board that conveniently fits over the door to block El Mascarado’s entry while Steve realizes there is a “ring” in the room. There are four barrels with a rope on the floor. There was more of a ring in the WCW Backstage Assault video game. Steve reaches into his pocket to pull out his own luchador mask to prepare to take on El Mascarado. The maniac breaks down the door, and we hear a lot of screams but that’s about it. Then the girl tries to crawl out of the room, only for El Mascarado to give her a chiropractic adjustment over his knee. Sweet guy. Steve attacks again, but he’s taken down, and El Mascarado splashes him from the top of a 3-ft. barrel. This is the dumbest movie ever.

“Hey you guise, sup?” says the other girl who was fixing the van and oblivious to the systematic slaughtering of her travel companions, as she walks into the town. She starts looking around for her buddies, but El Pollo Loco shows up behind her. She was fortunate enough to be looking in a mirror, because vanity, and she scurries away.

So, here’s the situation. There is a guy who lives in an abandoned town. He is a former Mexican pro wrestlers. Though he no longer competes, he continues to wear his mask and wrestling gear every day. And he violently murders people for no discernible (or explained) reason. We all clear on that? Good, because Topanga just stabbed him in the hand with her van keys, and now she doesn’t have a way out.

Earlier in the movie, Alphonse mentioned how flexible this chick is, and we get a glimpse of it as she hides. Of course, because maniacs have superhuman tracking abilities, he finds her, but she Scooby Doos him by hiding in a barrel. At this point, she only wants her keys back, but she stops running to start crying because she’s a moron. I just want this to end. Thankfully, within a couple of minutes, it does. If you want to know what happens, you can watch it, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like horror movies, and Wrestlemaniac is probably the most “horror movie” horror movie I’ve seen in a while. Aside from the fact that Rey Misterio (Rey Mysterio’s uncle) is about 5’7” and 180 pounds, thus portraying the least physically imposing maniac killer of all time, the acting in this one was just atrocious. The plot and script were so ridiculously thin that I don’t understand why this movie was even made, unless it was a final project for an amateur film class. The Commando-meter is registering a full 5 for this one. It would be higher, but there were female breasts.

If this is your first time reading Disasterpiece Theatre, the Commando-meter is not a traditional star rating system. The meter fills as I watch movies, depending on how much stupid stuff happens…or how much I would rather have my face ripped off by a luchador. Does that stuff come in gallons? Doesn’t matter. An empty meter means the film was awesome. A full meter (or sometimes overflowing meter) means the movie was terrible. Easy enough, right?

A lot of people have been asking for reviews of films I’ve already done. That’s ok. Below is a list of all the movies I’ve reviewed, with plenty more to come. Is there something you want to see get the Disasterpiece treatment, but it’s not on there? Leave a request in the comments, and I can almost promise I’ll get to it.

-Jacob

Follow me on Twitter.

Previously, on Disasterpiece Theatre

The Wrestler (Mickey Rourke)

Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan)

No Holds Barred (Hulk Hogan)

River of Darkness (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, and Sid)

Ready to Rumble (Diamond Dallas Page and other WCW guys)

See No Evil (Kane)

The Chaperone (Triple H)

The Rundown (The Rock)

House of the Rising Sun (Batista)

Fast Five (The Rock)

Inside Out (Triple H)

The Condemned (Steve Austin)

The Marine (John Cena)

The Marine 2 (Ted DiBiase)

Wrong Side of Town (Rob Van Dam and Batista)

Little Hercules in 3D (Hulk Hogan and Big Show)

They Live (Roddy Piper)

Santa’s Slay (Bill Goldberg)

Albino Farm (Chris Jericho)

Mr. Nanny (Hulk Hogan)

The Reunion (John Cena)

The Stranger (Steve Austin)

Thursday Headlines: WWE on YouTube
By Thomas and Aaron Briggs

The WWE hasn’t been shy about fully buying into new social media as a means to increase viewership.  Their use of Twitter has become a real point of contention with fans over the last year.  Fans want their favorite superstars to be accessible on the service, but they’ve begun to resent the way WWE pushes Twitter down their throats on television.  Well get ready WWE Universe!  Here comes the WWE and YouTube.

YouTube has recently seen a make over.  The content sharing network has emphasized a user-tailored experience.  The front page, after you sign in, is customized to display personal channels, new and popular videos from said channels, and videos from outside sources that you may enjoy.  YouTube made the UI changes as a start to a new initiative: a heavy focus on new and exclusive content.

An early partner for YouTube is the WWE.  While their channel – WWEFanNation – has been around since 2007, new and exclusive content is something altogether different.  The WWE has promised NINE original shows for YouTube (although one show is Z! True Long Island Story, which is kind of cheating).  While the jury is out on whether or not the programming will be of consistent quality, it’s interesting that the WWE is developing so much just before launching their own television network.

Of the nine promised shows, four are readily available for viewing on the site now.  These shows are WWE Download, Santino’s Foreign Exchange, Outside the Ring, and WWE Inbox.  The longest of these shows runs just under six minutes, indicating that WWE’s YouTube content wont be competing with the inevitable content on the WWE Network.  Of these four shows, WWE Download is the best, although it clearly isn’t an original idea.  WWE Download = Dolph Ziggler hosting Tosh.0.  But hey, it works.  Most importantly, it allows for more exposure for Dolph Ziggler’s improving character.

And that’s really what the WWE needs to capitalize on: enhancing their characters and stories through a different type of media.  Don’t give fans video for the sake of video, give them a reason to tune in, but also be careful in not making YouTube content necessary viewing.  Fans who watch the online shows should have a deeper understanding of characters and stories, but fans who only tune in for Raw and Smackdown shouldn’t be punished for passing on ancillary content.  It’s a razor’s edge to walk, but the WWE should be able to pull it off. (YouTube)

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Headline favorite Chyna released a series (well over a hundred) of nearly incoherent Tweets on Wednesday, covering topics ranging from her relationship with Triple H, her career in porn, and being overlooked as one of the key figures of the attitude era.  Chyna was clearly inebriated while posting her rant.  While we at headlines would never make light of an individual headed down a destructive path, it’s interesting to note that the Jannetty/Chyna tontine is really kicking into high gear these days. (PW Torch)

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According to everyone’s most trusted source, SEScoops, an anonymous WWE employee texted a UFC employee over the weekend, criticizing UFC production during their FOX special.  The UFC employee reportedly responded “At least we don’t have an imbecilic lead announcer ruining our show.”  Touché UFC, Michael Cole IS a terrible commentator.  But at least he doesn’t have another show where he encourages people to eat platypus dick.  Is it platypusses, or platypi?  I always get confused when discussing the proper plural conjugation of the majestic platypus. (SEScoops)

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Natalya Neidhart is set to see more television time, unfortunately it’s not in the way you’d expect.  Apparently the WWE is pleased with Natalya’s recent Smackdown segment, in which she struggled with accidental flatulence (farts, for the layman), and would like to continue with similar comedy segments.

Thursday Headline Rant: So this is what the WWE has come to with its Divas division?  They actually have a talented and beautiful performer who can hold her own in the ring, and they decide to give her a farting gimmick?  If that’s the best you can do with your talent, WWE, you should just throw in the towel and demolish the entire division.  Natalya comes from a long line of respected wrestlers, and you should be ashamed of how you’re handling her. (SEScoops)

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Brodus Clay was released this week as a free downloadable character in WWE ‘12 for all major video game consoles.  Don’t get too excited folks, the character is pre-funkasauras.  Yep, just boring old Brodus Clay.  Just a giant dude with a killer rack.  Thursday Headlines source for this information?  Somebody told my momma.

You’re welcome for that joke internet.  (WhatCulture!)

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Thoughts and opinions? Share them with me!
Email: thjbriggs@gmail.com
Twitter: @thjbriggs
Blog:soundthecharge.com

Thanks for reading this week’s Thursday Headlines.  Just a quick note: I spent a couple of weeks hyping my column that would replace my PPV Spotlight series.  Unfortunately, The John Report had some nasty server issues on Sunday before and during the Rumble.  So when the site came back online, my article, which was titled Royal Rumble Primer was already out of date.  So it didn’t get posted.  If you are interested in seeing the new format, and getting a preview as to what my Elimination Chamber article will look like, check out the Primer here.  The primary purpose of posting the article is to get feedback, if you think there are changes I should make for this month’s PPV, please share your opinion!

The first WrestleMania took place at the home of WWE in New York City’s Madison Square Garden. How’d they get the name WrestleMania? The story goes, from the “True Story of WrestleMania” DVD, that ring announcer Howard Finkel came up with it when he mentioned the Beatles craze was known as “BeatleMania.”

It wasn’t on pay-per-view because at that point in time that wasn’t a common practice. Instead, the first WrestleMania event was shown only on closed circuit television. They convinced movie theatres and arenas to show the event, so people could only see it by going to one of those places. It drew over one million fans, which was the largest audience on closed circuit television up to that point. As Vince McMahon has said many times, if this event failed his company likely wouldn’t have been around much longer. Since it was the success that it is, here we are 27 years later reminiscing about it.

On a personal note, I did not see this WrestleMania live. I was born in 1980, so I was too young at this point. The first WrestleMania I saw live was WrestleMania IV in 1988. I’m watching the event now for the sake of this column. I’ve seen it a few times over the years although I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen it, so it will be interesting to look back on it.

The announcers are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, who is rocking a pink suit. Of course he is. The presentation is a lot different than it is today. Most of the wrestlers don’t have entrance music. Some of them do, but not all. While the quality of this show isn’t very high compared to today’s standards, its importance should not be questioned. It’s on the list of top five most important shows in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment and you can make a case that it’s the most important because it was the first WrestleMania event.

They throw it into the ring to ring announcer Howard Finkel. He announces “Mean” Gene Okerlund to sing the national anthem. He’s not very good at it, but he gets through with the help of some notes. Ventura said that Okerlund did a good job, right up there with Robert Goulet. Monsoon said “unbelievable” twice.

Backstage, Mean Gene interviewed Tito Santana and The Executioner. I don’t know what Tito said other than “Arriba” and the Executioner said he’d be going after the leg. Gene looks like he’s trying to cut him off after about five seconds. That was awkward.

Tito Santana vs. The Executioner
The Executioner was Playboy Buddy Rose. He was billed from parts unknown and his weight was unknown as well. For his weight it says “??? lbs.” I love that. He’s so mysterious that he won’t even go on a scale. Oh the intrigue! Santana was a very popular babyface, so good choice for an opener because the crowd liked him a lot. Jesse calls him “Chico” of course. After a criss-cross, Santana gets a backdrop and a dropkick to send him to the floor. The Executioner came back with a kick to the gut and a headbutt. He went for a leglock, but Tito fought out of it. Executioner comes back with a bodyslam. He goes to the top rope, but Tito gets back up to throw him off with a slam. His splash attempt fails because Executioner gets his knees up. Tito kicks him out to the floor and then brings him back with a bodyslam. Santana hits a running forearm. Santana puts him in the Figure Four Leglock, Executioner gives up and that wins it for him at 4:05.
Winner: Tito Santana

Analysis: *1/2 A good win for Santana, who was a rising star at this point in his career. The announcers did their best to put over the mystery of The Executioner, but the fans weren’t into the character at all. It’s no surprise that he was out of the picture soon after.

Backstage, SD Jones says he’s going ready and he’s going to get down for you fans. Yeah, feel the excitement. Bundy wants him to think about the big avalanche. He also wants him to think about the five count.

King Kong Bundy vs. S.D. Jones
The SD stands for “special delivery” in case you’re wondering. Bundy put him in a bearhug, splashed him in the corner and beat him with a big splash for the pinfall. The announced time was nine seconds although based on the timer on my DVD player it was actually 23 seconds. I guess we’ll run with the 0:09 figure.
Winner: King Kong Bundy

Analysis: No rating. It was a squash to make Bundy look like a monster, which he is of course.

Backstage, Mean Gene Okerlund interviewed Matt Borne, who is against Ricky Steamboat. Borne spoke first saying that Steamboat was too nice while Ricky was very determined in saying that he’d show how tough he could be.

Ricky Steamboat vs. Matt Borne
Ventura keeps calling Monsoon “Gino” because that’s what everybody called him. In later years, he didn’t do that as often. Steamboat showed his athleticism early and Borne knocked him down with an atomic drop. Borne hit a suplex for two. It’s weird hearing Ventura commentate without supporting the heels. Steamboat came back with a back suplex of his own. Ricky put him down with a chop to the throat and finished it off with a crossbody block for the pinfall victory at 4:37.
Winner: Ricky Steamboat

Analysis: *1/2 A nice showcase for Steamboat, who was obviously a rising star at this time and one of the best athletes of his era. What is Borne most known for? He was Doink the Clown!

Mean Gene interviewed David Sammartino, the son of the legendary Bruno Sammartino. He was against Brutus Beefcake, managed by Luscious Johnny Valiant. He wouldn’t let Brutus talk.

Brutus Beefcake w/Luscious Johnny vs. David Sammartino w/Bruno Sammartino
Brutus is the heel here. He’s from parts unknown at this point in his young career. Bruno gets a huge pop when they announce his name, which isn’t a surprise considering he was such a huge draw and long reigning champion in the era prior to this one. The first few minutes feature a whole lot of nothing. They got a good amount of time, so what did they do with it? They wasted it. That’s a sign of a bad match. Brutus put him down with an arm drag, but Sammartino came back and went for a leg submission. Beefcake fought out of it, so Sammartino put him in another submission hold. Brutus fought out with an eye rake followed by a back body drop and a bodyslam. He gave him a hard whip into the corner to put him down although David didn’t take that bump very well. As the crowd chanted “David” he gave Beefcake an Irish Whip and a back body drop of his own. He followed it up with punches as the crowd came alive. Sammartino hit a suplex for two. Beefcake threw him out to the floor. Valiant gave David a bodyslam on the floor, so Bruno charged at him. Bruno threw him back into the ring. Bruno went wild on him with punches as the crowd went nuts. David knocked Brutus out of the ring too. The ref rang the bell for the double disqualification at 12:43.
No winner due to double disqualification

Analysis: * That was a brutally slow and painful match to watch early, but they built up to the finish fairly well. All the fans wanted to see was Bruno in action here, but he was 50 years old at this point. Obviously Beefcake had a decent career after this while developing a strong character to make up for his average in-ring skills. Sammartino was out of WWE later in the year after his dad had his falling out with Vince McMahon that still exists to this day.

Backstage, Greg Valentine and Jimmy Hart spoke about why he’s the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. He’s lean, mean and full of fighting fury. His opponent is the Junkyard Dog, who says he needs himself a bone to chew on, so I guess Valentine will suffice.

Intercontinental Title: Greg Valentine w/Jimmy Hart vs. Junkyard Dog
There’s an announced time limit of one hour for this. Spoiler: It’s not going that long. JYD has entrance music, the first one on the card to have that. Valentine does not. He was very popular here. JYD used his power to dominate the action early. Valentine missed an elbow, so JYD countered with his dog headbutts that draw a big reaction. Valentine takes control, working on Dog’s legs to set him up for the Figure Four Leglock. JYD has the word “THUMP” on the back of his tights. He kicked him off when Valentine attempted the Figure Four and he fought back with big right hands. Then JYD put him down with headbutts as Valentine did a Flair flop to fall to the mat. Jimmy Hart distracted the ref, Dog grabbed him, he moved and Valentine accidentally knocked Hart to the floor. JYD came back with punches. Crowd was going nuts. Valentine raked him in the eyes, s cooped the legs and then put his own legs on the middle rope to get the pinfall victory. Wait a second. Tito Santana comes out, tells the referee that his feet were on the ropes and the ref tells Valentine to get back in the ring. Instead, he stays out on the floor and the match ends in a countout victory for JYD at 7:05.
Winner: Junkyard Dog via countout

After the match, Valentine is angry that he lost although he keeps the IC Title. The crowd was happy for JYD winning the match even though it was a countout win.

Analysis: 1/2* The appeal of JYD was not his in-ring work. He had a lot of charisma, though, and the crowd loved him. There wasn’t much to the match in terms of action, but it did the job in eliciting a good response from the crowd. To this point, JYD got the biggest pop of the show although not as loud as Bruno Sammartino’s.

Backstage, Mean Gene interviews Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff along with their manager Freddie Blassie. What was great here was Sheik calling him “Gene Mean” and also Gene calling Volkoff “commie” and then correcting himself by saying “comrade.” Way to go, Gene. Then Lou Albano spoke, representing the team of Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham, who were the tag team champions here. It’s really spelled Rotunda, but they billed him as Rotundo so we’ll roll with that.

Prior to the tag title match, Volkoff sang the Soviet National Anthem. Massive booing from the crowd while Blassie smiled proudly because that’s what he did. People were throwing things in the ring. Then Sheik on the microphone: “Russia number one, Iran number one, USA…(spit).” How can two of them be number one? Only the Sheiky baby knows. The tag team champions, Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham, came out to a big pop along with their manager Captain Lou Albano.

Tag Team Titles: Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham w/ Captain vs. Nikolai Volkoff & Iron Sheik w/Freddie Blassie
If you don’t know, Rotundo named one of his sons Windham and you would know him as Husky Harris today. Also Rotundo would later be known better as Irwin R. Schyster. The Rotundo/Windham were known as the US Express, a pair of tall and athletic young babyfaces. They started off on fire, dominating Sheik, who accidentally hit a dropkick on Volkoff. He tagged out to bring Volkoff in while Rotundo worked him over. The US Express did a lot of quick tags. Sheik got tagged in and got a two count after a gutwrench suplex. Rotundo tried to fight back, but Volkoff got the tag and dropped him neck first on the top rope with a stun gun type maneuver. Rotundo came back with a sunset flip for a nearfall. Volkoff was able to weaken him some more while tagging in Iron Sheik, who put Rotundo in the abdominal stretch. Rotundo fought out with a hip lock, Sheik tagged in Volkoff and Rotundo made the hot tag to Windham, who went nuts on Volkoff with some fast paced offense including a picture perfect looking dropkick. Windham hit a bulldog that Volkoff sold awkwardly. Sheik broke up the pin. Rotundo went after him. The ref told Rotundo to leave the ring. Blassie gave Sheik his cane and Sheik hit Windham in the back with it. Volkoff covered, the ref turned around and counted the pinfall at 6:55.
Winners: Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik – new Tag Team Champions

Post match, what was The Iron Sheik’s celebration speech? “Iran number one! Russia number one!” Classic Sheik.

Analysis: **1/2 That was a fun, old school tag team match. The faces took control early, the heels dominated Rotundo to build up to the hot tag, Windham had a lot of momentum and the heels countered it with the cheap attack using the cane. Simple booking that works.

Backstage, Okerlund interviewed Iron Sheik, Volkoff & Blassie. Gene asked Blassie where his cane is. Blassie denied ever having a cane. Blassie rules!

It’s Bodyslam Challenge time. Big John Studd and Bobby Heenan are putting up $15,000 against Andre the Giant. If Andre wins he gets the money. If Studd wins then Andre retires. Gene talked to Bobby & Studd about it.

$15,000 Bodyslam Challenge: Big John Studd w/Bobby Heenan vs. Andre the Giant
Studd barely gets any heel heat. Andre gets a huge pop, which is no surprise because he’s one of the biggest draws in the history of the business. The money is in a WWF gym bag. Studd attacked him with big punches. Andre comes back with chops and headbutts as Studd bails to the floor. Andre choked him along the ropes as the crowd cheered wildly. Studd kicked him low and tried to slam Andre, but he couldn’t do it. Andre slapped on the bearhug. I’d call this a methodical pace, but that word is too fast for it. He turned it into a choke. The crowd was chanting “slam” because they want to see a slam, but also because they want this ridiculously slow paced match to end. Andre continued to work him over with punches and kicks to the thigh. Then he gave Studd a bodyslam to end it at 5:53.
Winner: Andre the Giant

Post match, Andre got the bag and threw the money towards the fans. Bobby Heenan didn’t like that, so he grabbed the money from him. He took off with it.

Analysis: DUD Not much of a match. Just a showcase for Andre, who was a big draw and it showed by that ovation he got when he gave the bodyslam to Studd. It would have been better at two or three minutes. It dragged because of how limited they both are, but the crowd loved seeing Andre so the ending was good enough for me.

Backstage, Mean Gene interviewed Andre who said he wasn’t in it for the money. He was there to show Studd & Heenan that he could slam him. Of course that’s exactly what he did.

Backstage, Gene talked to Richter & Lauper prior to the women’s title match. Then he talked to Kai & Moolah. With the heel champion already in the ring, Leilani Kai came out with her manager Cyndi Lauper to Lauper’s popular song: “Girls just want to have fun.” They want to have fun…girls…want to have fun…sorry it’s an addictive song.

Women’s Championship: Leilani Kai w/Fabulous Moolah vs. Wendi Richter w/Cyndi Lauper
Kai is the heel champion. Getting Lauper to participate in WrestleMania was a big deal as she was a very popular singer in those days. She got them a lot of mainstream press. Early on, Kai worked over Richter with an armbar. Kai turned it into a choke, but Richter countered with a leg scissors. Back on their feet, Richter took her down awkwardly for a two count. Kai did a hair whip for two. Richter fought out in the corner with a double leg kick to the face. A lot of sloppy work here. Moolah choked Richter, but Lauper saved her. Kai put Richter down with a boot to the gut. Richter hit a fireman’s carry for two. Kai came back with a double knee lift followed by a sloppy backbreaker for two. Then she hit a bodyslam. Kai went for a crossbody, she hit it, but Richter slowly rolled through and covered for the pinfall victory at 6:12 to become the Women’s Champion.
Winner: Wendi Richter

Post match, Lauper went after Moolah again, who was doing some Ric Flair style bumps randomly in the ring. I guess you can call it delayed selling. The crowd was going nuts with the win as well as Lauper going after Moolah.

Analysis: DUD It was so sloppy. Sorry ladies. The timing was off for a lot of spots and they didn’t build to the finish well. Still, Lauper’s star power was obvious based on the reaction she got for just being out there. If I were to praise anything it would be the finish, which was well crafted although not fluently done.

Backstage, Gene talked to Richter and Lauper, who were pleased with the win.

The Fink introduced former New York Yankees manager Billy Martin to be the special ring announcer for the main event. The crowd loves him. He introduces Liberace along with the Rockettes. He’s the guest time keeper. “Liberace’s got a pretty fair kick there Gino,” is all Jesse can say about this. The next guest was Muhammad Ali, who was a special guest referee outside the ring for the match. The in ring ref is Pat Patterson, which was done because he was a part of the creative process. It wasn’t a regular role for him.

Finally it was time for the competitors. A band came out with bagpipes and drums to bring out Roddy Piper, Paul Orndorff and their manager for this match, Bob Orton, who of course had a cast on his left hand. ” Real American” started playing and the Garden went nuts. They showed Hulk Hogan, Mr. T and manager for this match, Jimmy Snuka, making their way to the ring. Hogan was the WWF Champion here although obviously this wasn’t a match where the title would be on the line.

Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff
The crowd is going nuts at the start of the match. Orndorff starts with Hogan, but Piper wants in and then Mr. T wants in from Hulk. Piper was such a great heel during this time period. He was a huge catalyst in building this match up. Piper took him down with some mat wrestling, but Mr T got out of it. Mr T put Piper on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and then he dumped him off his shoulders. Everybody starts brawling, so Muhammad Ali runs into the ring and clears everybody out. The heels walk away from the ring. The crowd is going nuts for all of this. The heels come back in, so Hogan & Mr. T ram their heads together for the double noggin knocker. Hogan busts out his moveset with an atomic drop on Piper. T comes in with a bodyslam on Piper and a hiptoss on Orndorff. He tags Hogan back in, who gets the big boot on Piper that sends him over the top rope to the floor. Orndorff cheated to knock Hogan out to the floor.

On the floor, Piper hit Hogan in the back with a red folding chair. Ali chased Piper away as Orndorff threw Hogan back in. The heels double teamed Hogan with a double atomic drop on Hogan while Ali informed Patterson of the cheating. To say it’s a chaotic match would be an understatement. Orndorff hit a suplex on Hogan. Piper hit a kneelift on Hogan for two. Orndorff got a backbreaker on Hogan. He missed a flying off the top rope. Hogan crawled to the corner to tag Mr T. He’s a house on fire for a few seconds, but the heels are able to beat him down. Orndorff dragged Mr. T to the corner and Piper tagged in. He put T in a headlock. Ali was standing on the apron for a while, blocking the view. Mr. T fought out of Piper to tag in Hogan. Everybody was down, so Snuka & Orton ran in there and Snuka hit Orton with a headbutt. Orndorff held Hogan for Piper, but T broke it up. Orton jumped off the top rope, Hogan moved and Orton hit Orndorff with the cast to the head. Snuka took care of Orton, so Hogan covered the pinfall at 13:13.
Winners: Hulk Hogan & Mr. T

Analysis: ** It was everything that was good about the mid 80s in the WWF. Hogan was ridiculously over and so was Mr. T, but the match was very disjointed. There was way too much going on, a lot of people missing cues and could have been more organized. That’s what happens when you have inexperienced people out there. You can’t really question the star power, though. It was a huge match and they pulled it off relatively well.

After the match, Piper decked referee Pat Patterson. Orndorff took a while to get up and freaked out after realizing that his team left. He would turn babyface after this although if I recall that didn’t last too long for him.

In the ring, the babyfaces celebrated the victory much to the delight of the crowd.

Mean Gene talked to Mr T, Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Snuka. Mr. T said he was ready, he trained hard and you had to be tough to be in the wrestling ring. Hogan said he knew how to pick a partner. Hogan said they would be around for a long, long time. It’s 27 years later and Hogan is still around the wrestling business, so at least he was honest about something.

To end the show, Gorilla and Jesse thanked us for watching.

—————–

FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS
- Why end the main event with a cast shot to the head? I realize that they wanted to turn Orndorff face, but it’s silly that the match ended without Hogan hitting his patented legdrop. The way they did it gave the match a flat ending that could have been easily avoided. I was also surprised that Muhammad Ali didn’t have a bigger role in the finish. They could have used him to punch somebody, sending them into daze before Hogan put them down with a big boot.

- Did they mess up on the Bundy match somehow? They were trying to say the match went only 9 seconds even though it was 23 seconds. I understand trying to put over a new record time for a fast match, but when it was obviously longer than what they wanted they should have changed that plan on the fly. Plus, Bundy didn’t ask for a five count. I loved when he would do that. That’s a shame.

- They used a lot of celebrities here, but I didn’t have a problem with the way they were used. The crowd was very receptive to almost all of them. Even watching Liberace dancing with the Rockettes was entertaining…okay so that was a lie. For the most part, though, I liked the celebrity involvement.

- I laughed hard after the tag title match when Okerlund asked Blassie about cheating and Freddie denied that he even had a cane.

- The commentary team was hurt by the fact that they were both babyfaces for the broadcast. Thankfully in the years that followed there would usually be a heel color commentator.

OPINIONS
Best Match: The Iron Shiek & Nikolai Volkoff vs. Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham – Not a classic by any means, but a quality tag team wrestling match with a lot of heat.

Worst Match: Andre The Giant vs. Big John Studd – It needed to be two minutes tops. Stretching it to five was too long. Both guys were limited. The crowd popped for the bodyslam, but the match made it feel like we were watching something in slow motion.

Most Memorable Moment: The anticipation of the main event was the highlight. They did an excellent job of building up to this match. The match wasn’t very good, but the crowd was very excited to see it.

Three Stars:
1. Hulk Hogan – By far the biggest star of the show. He did a good job of integrating Mr. T into the main event.
2. Roddy Piper – The unquestioned star of the heel team. The fans wanted to see him get destroyed.
3. Ricky Steamboat – Even in a short match you could see how good he was.

Show rating (out of 10): 4.5

It’s hard to properly rate a show like this compared to the kind of wrestling shows we are used to today. If you rated it based on importance then it’s a 10, but I’m rating it on the quality of the show. It’s not a show I would recommend if you want to see great wrestling action. It is more about the spectacle of the event. The pageantry wasn’t there aside from the celebrity involvement, which was impressive at the time. They got a recently retired elite athlete like Muhammad Ali, they got a popular actor in Mr. T and they also had a top musician (at the time) Cyndi Lauper to be a part of the show. They definitely added to it although none of them were that impressive in their performances aside from a few brief moves by Mr. T. Still, the star power meant a lot and really helped put the then World Wrestling Federation on the map so to speak.

This show is not one of the best WrestleManias ever. In fact, when I’m done looking at the 27 WrestleManias this one will likely be in the bottom five. With that said, the first WrestleMania is important because without it we wouldn’t have had the 26 that followed it. Vince McMahon took a lot of risk in putting this show on. Obviously that risk paid off. There can be arguments made about the quality of the show, but nobody can deny that WrestleMania 1 was an unquestionable success.

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I have every WrestleMania on disc. I’ve seen some of them many times and others only once or twice because of how good/bad they were. Reviewing them will be a blast and I hope that shows in the writing. These will be posted every Monday, Wednesday & Friday (with some Sundays as well) through February & March exclusively at thejohnreport.net. I’ll be back on Friday with a review of WrestleMania 2, which took place at three venues. Then on Monday I’ll return with WrestleMania 3, which is an improvement on the first two.

John Canton – john@thejohnreport.net
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The Midweek Breakdown: The 10 Count
By Cody Dodson

Ladies and gentlemen, the funk is on a roll, there are too many limes for lobster heads, and the Deadman is back complete with new curled hair action. This is the Midweek Breakdown, and I am your ever so grateful host, Cody Dodson. I want to thank everybody who read last week’s column and left me feedback on the “10 thoughts” format. The feedback was very positive, and it seemed that most of you would rather hear read me ramble a little bit about a lot of things instead of ramble a lot about one thing. I enjoyed writing the column as well. It was over 500 words longer than my normal writing and I didn’t even notice. I’ve decided to make it a regular feature that I will call “The 10 Count.” I’d like to thank the bossman himself, Big Johnny Canton, for that title. I won’t be doing it every week, but it will definitely appear pretty often on Wednesdays as long as you continue to enjoy it. Without further adieu, let’s get started with this week’s 10 Count!

1) The Rumble match was a lot more fun than it’s getting credit for.

I’ve been seeing a lot of hate around the interwebs directed toward the Royal Rumble match. The John Report’s own Matt Seagull wrote an article asking if it was the worst Royal Rumble ever. I personally don’t understand it. I thought it was a lot of fun to watch, perhaps one of the most fun in recent memory. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean it was a classic, but it was solid entertainment that made me laugh quite a bit. I laughed very hard at everything involving Ricardo Rodriguez, Mick Foley, and Santino. I laughed at all the announcers sitting there in their ring gear, not noticing that the others were dressed for combat. Apparently Michael Cole is so used to guys without pants sitting next to him that he didn’t even notice Booker in his tights the whole night. I marked out for Kharma, Road Dogg, and Hacksaw making appearances. Kharma was a genuine surprise that I in no way saw coming. I actually think there was quite a bit to enjoy here. The Miz and Cody Rhodes were booked to have great performances and last a while. The mini-match between Sheamus and Chris Jericho was nice. It’s a fresh matchup that I would love to see again in the future. I know a lot of people are complaining that some major stars were left out. Look at the facts though. John Cena isn’t in the title picture, and he’s not going to be until Mania is over. Mark Henry is injured and needs to take time off. He was protected in the cage match but they wouldn’t have been able to protect him in the Rumble without eliminating him quickly, and then he wouldn’t be a threat to win, now would he? Brodus Clay already got his full entrance and a match earlier in the night, so I’m fine with him not entering. The only person I was disappointed to not see in the Rumble was Kane, but I can forgive that. While it was by no means a classic Rumble that will be remembered for years to come, it was an entertaining match that made me laugh, mark out, and praise some of the young guys’ performances. Oh, and the winner was a total surprise! Speaking of that…

2) It’s amazing the difference a year makes.

It really is funny how times change. At Wrestlemania 27, people were outraged that the United States title match between Sheamus and Daniel Bryan was bumped from the card and turned into a dark match. It got worse when the title match broke down into a battle royal. Now, with Wrestlemania 28 on the horizon, we’re looking at a strong possibility of Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan as one of the main events the fourth most important match on the card. And it’s for the World Heavyweight Championship, which Daniel Bryan currently holds. Who would have thought that we would see this kind of turnaround? Back in 2011, I predicted that Daniel Bryan would be the first to cash in his briefcase and fail. I’m happy to say that I was dead wrong. The company has given him the ball and he is running like the wind with it. Sheamus is quickly becoming one of the top faces in the company, drawing big pops everywhere he goes. I’m so happy to see that these two guys are getting the shot at Wrestlemania that they were denied last year. While the matchup itself doesn’t scream “money” to me, it has the potential to be a stiff, hard-hitting show stealer. I’m looking forward to it, unless Sheamus pulls some sort of swerve and goes after the WWE Champion. Then Chris Jericho could go after Daniel Bryan. I’ll wait for you guys to change your pants now.

3) “WE HAVE A PARTY UP IN HERE!” = Cody sad.

I’ve been a fan of the John Cena and Kane feud. Parts of it have been hokey, but I like the intensity that it has brought out in both guys. Kane has been on fire (no pun intended) like he hasn’t been in quite some time. One of my friends commented that “it’s amazing how a pasty guy who’s getting kind of fat can turn into a muscular badass just by putting on a different outfit and a mask.” I love the current incarnation of Kane, as it brings me back to his early days of straight-up mauling people. John Cena has been a lot more enjoyable as well, as he has largely cut out the jokes about the poopies and has been angry and intense. That was, of course, until Raw this past Monday when Cena came out for a beatdown on Kane and ended up screaming out the little gem that you see in bold above. I shook my head when this happened. The thing that I, like many people, have been enjoying is that he hasn’t been playing up to the fans in this goofy ass manner. He’s been focused on beating the living Hell out of people. He can still be a face while doing this, mind you. Being a face doesn’t mean you can’t be angry and show some fire. With the rumor going around that their match at the Elimination pay-per-view (#ThankYouJohnnyAce) will be Last Man Standing, my worry is that Cena will win, smile at the audience, laugh, and go back to normal. You want him to win the match? Fine. Have him do something heinous to Kane and continue to look angry. Have him exit the ring without playing up to the fans. Sell the anger and intensity. It’s been working well so far!

4) Thank you, Taker.

The final segment of Raw was a mixed bag. I’ve grown quite fond of John Laurinaitis recently. He has gone from unintentionally funny in a sad way to being legitimate funny in a good way. He’s finally realized that his deadpan personality and voice lend itself well to humor. I like his character and I don’t want to see it leave. In fact, I enjoyed him a Hell of a lot more than I enjoyed Triple H. To be honest, H came across as a bit of a douche on Monday and he really didn’t entertain me at all. His comedy shtick felt tired, and I haven’t even seen it in a few months. That was one of the many reasons that I screamed “YES!” when the gong tolled and The Undertaker himself made his return. Not only did one of my favorite wrestlers of all-time show up, but he shut Triple H up as well as saved Big Johnny’s job for at least another week. Am I excited to see another Triple H vs. Undertaker match at Wrestlemania? Yes, but I know I shouldn’t be. I thoroughly enjoyed their brawl last year, and I agree with Canton that it was one of the best matches I’ve ever seen live. The entire Georgia Dome jumped out of their seats when Undertaker was on the RECEIVING end of a Tombstone. I’m perfectly fine with seeing that matchup again. However, Taker is getting old and can’t have too many matches left in him. They could be missing out on a big money match with John Cena, as well as the chance to elevate a younger performer by having them attempt to break the streak. For now though, I’m just happy to see him back.

5) A show featuring actual wrestling got great ratings?!

This week’s Raw got a 3.6 in the ratings. That’s a pretty big jump from the 3.0-3.2 range we’ve been seeing recently. I just don’t know how this happened, considering that this week’s episode was packed full of great wrestling, and everybody knows that good wrestling matches aren’t what draws viewers. WWE should take this as a sign that this is how they should book their shows from now on. Not every match needs to be a 30-minute technical classic, but book some matches between guys who work well with each other and give them more than just a few minutes to work. They will still have time to work in some promos and the bad comedy segments that Vince seems to love so much. There wasn’t much bullshit filler on this week’s episode, and the ratings reflected that. I just hope that the WWE can focus on the good news and not the bad, which was the fact that the second hour did lose a percentage of viewers. I guess people didn’t want to wait around for the return of Triple H. Interesting.

6) I guess Youtube is a suitable replacement for a dedicated cable network.

I was intrigued by WWE’s move of announcing a brand new Youtube channel with nine original shows. It’s almost as if they were planning on launching a video outlet dedicated to WWE 24/7, realized they needed to push the launch back, but had already filmed content but didn’t want it to go to waste. Oh wait. Seriously though, I think the new WWE Network-Lite Youtube page is a good idea. It will give them the opportunity to try out some of their new programming, get feedback from the viewers, and refine things a bit. So far, the only new episode up is the WWE Inbox, where WWE personalities answer questions from the fans. It looks like it’s being done out of character. I like the idea of getting to know the Superstars more from a personal perspective. It remains to be seen how the rest of the shows will fare, but I’m assuming it will be a good representation of what we can expect from the Network in the fall season.

7) Mark Henry = Hardest working wrestler?

I mentioned earlier that Mark Henry is injured and needs some time off. He had been working through injury for a while and ended up hurting himself again on last week’s Smackdown. However, he chose to work through the pain at the Royal Rumble anyway. I have to commend this man on his work ethic. He is obviously trying to make sure that he remains a major player in the Smackdown main event scene. By continuing to work matches despite having several injuries stacked on top of one another, he shows that he has the drive to keep up his status. However, the man obviously needs time to heal. Even if these injuries are minor, it is unwise to continue working at a rate where he could end up seriously injuring himself or somebody else. It’s been obvious, at least to me, that WWE is trying to protect him in the matches that he has been having. That’s all fine and well, but Mizark should take the time off and rest up so he can come back 100% and continue to go at the rate he has been over the past few months. If WWE has any respect for him at all, his spot will still be there when he gets back.

8) The commentary team should be suspended for wellness violations…

Because if this how commentary sounds nowadays, the guys doing it must be on drugs. Seriously, commentary during the whole Rumble pay-per-view was atrocious. From arguing about Twitter followers to just being completely nonsensical to Cole yelling about nothing, it was just bad. I wish I still had it on my DVR because I would provide some specific examples, but if you saw it then you know what I’m talking about. Several times during the show my friends and I were looking at each other asking if we knew what they were talking about. Then we get to Raw and Jerry Lawler makes a case against veganism by arguing for the feelings of bananas when they’re peeled. It’s time a certain music legend to make his return to one of my columns.

9) I wish you the best, Mr. Mahal.

In a follow-up to last week’s Midweek Breakdown, I would like to point out that Jinder Mahal was the poor unlucky recipient of entry #14 in the Royal Rumble. Will the Rumble Curse make its ugly presence known in the career of this man? Judging by the absolute lack of any kind of heat and the incessant feeding of him to Sheamus, I’d say that much like the Jay-Z album, the Rumble was both a Gift and a Curse. The curse was the gift of freedom. I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Nobody will even notice you’re gone. (Before the hate comes, I’m saying he’s going to be fired, not that he’s going to die or start doing drugs.)

10) Get Brodus a feud. Now.

Okay, I’m a big fan of the new Brodus Clay. The man has talent and he obviously loves his new role. I really like the fact that every week, he brings something new to the table. This week, it was a giant disco ball. Next week, I’d like it to be a feud or some kind of storyline advancement. Squash matches are effective in getting people over. However, the man is over. Listen to the pops that he gets. The fans love him, and it’s time to capitalize on that before they get bored with the act where his matches are shorter than his entrance. If WWE wants to continue having him defeat lower card wrestlers, that’s fine. Just have the matches be more competitive. Showcase what Brodus can do in the ring besides the three moves he’s been doing before winning in under a minute. Even a three to five minute match would be better. What I would personally really like to see is for him to get a feud of some sort. It doesn’t even have to be a pay-per-view caliber matchup. It can just be a TV feud. It looks like they might be going in that direction with him and Drew McIntyre, but it’s still too early to tell. Whatever the case may be, they need to give Brodus something else to do if they want to keep his character going strong, otherwise the fans may get bored.

Whew, another long column today but it just flew by. I really like this format and I hope you continue to enjoy it. Tell me your thoughts on the Royal Rumble and on Raw this week. You can leave a comment, email me, and follow me on Twitter. As always, thanks for reading and I’ll be back on Friday with Headlines.

Cody D.

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