The John Report Wrestling Blog

Hello chumps and chumpettes, and welcome to another edition of The Smacking Of WWE Smackdown. I expected this review to go up a lot earlier, but that was before I hyperextended my knee and everyone started swinging chairs at each other.

So are you ready to get smacked up and then lay around for a while and not really do anything? I know I am! (Oh God, I forgot. That’s heroin abuse. I really wish this thing came with a delete key.)

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NXT 5.47 Review
By Lonestar

Who’s got two thumbs and is going to the Royal Rumble on Sunday? This guy!!! I’m only days away from attending my first ever WWE live event and all in all I’m about as excited as a starving dog in a bacon factory. My friends and I will be seated somewhere between the rafters and the sky so the chances of us appearing on TV will sadly be slim. However, if you do happen to spot a tall, skinny dude with glasses cheering awkwardly for C M Punk, it’s probably me.

In case you’re curious, my predictions for the PPV, the weekly review of NXT and possibly even some pictures of hot chicks are all after the jump.

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NXT 5.45 Review
By Lonestar

Alright, as the guy who had to review both their seasons of NXT I may as well say something about the Funkasaurus segment from Monday Night Raw that featured both Naomi and Brodus Clay. First of all, I think not using Brodus as a giant monster is a missed opportunity but holy crap whatever this Funkasaurus routine is could be amazing. While I like my serious wrestling just as much as the next guy I also appreciate the change of pace that a bit of silliness and overall joy can bring to the world of professional wrestling. Funkasaurus turns Brodus Clay into a unique attraction in the current WWE and if I know Brodus like I think I do he’ll give it his all and sell people what could have been an awful idea. I like the fact that he has dancers to accompany him, I like his pyro and his silly music, and I love all the random crap he said during his squash of Curt Hawkins. “Should I get him!?” was my easy favorite. Naomi as one of his dancers is also probably a waste of her wrestling talent but oh my god did you see her in that red outfit!? Damn! Red is definitely her color.

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NXT 5.44 Review
By Lonestar

Happy New Year Cantonites and welcome to the NXT Review. I’ve been out of town as of late and haven’t caught the past couple of Raws but I’ve heard a bit of the commotion over ratings and main event segments and hypocritical internet fanboys thanks to this wonderful website. Now, it’s hard to delve into this topic without getting one’s hands dirty and since I’ve got NXT to talk about I’ll avoid the conversation for the most part and just make one little point. If you don’t enjoy John Cena or his current feud in the main event spot please, by all means, change the channel. This isn’t a “like it or get out” argument, it’s a simple fact of life; changing the channel and lowering the rating is the only way the WWE will realize that maybe they should try to support someone other than Cena for the long haul.

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First, lets get this out of the way; now that the holiday season is upon us so are new and time consuming stresses. So for the time being Headlines will be taking a swim and experiencing some mild-shrinkage, going from four times a week to three (Mon/Wed/Fri). It seems that I’ve buckled under the weight of my latest burdens and given in to the pressure, which is coincidental because that’s exactly what WWE.com has just done too.

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Just in case you forgot Chavo Guerrero still worked for WWE, surprise! Also, he was released this weekend.

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Welcome to Commentfest. On Monday night I started up a Raw discussion post on my Facebook page asking for reader comments. What I do is I go through the show from start to finish, pluck out the best comments and post them on here for you to read (and hopefully laugh). The reader comments will be in the blue & red font.

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Why I drink.

Last night WWE Capitol Punishment occurred. In what I’m sure WWE thought was an enjoyable 3 hours of entertainment, the only thing they accomplished was reminding me why WWE in 1996 sucked. I say this because while WWE attempted to create a uniquely themed pay-per-view set at my nation’s capital, all they managed to turn out was an “In Your House” with a bigger entrance set. Warning, the mix of this show and Maker’s Mark have put me in a foul mood. I know I shouldn’t drink and write but let’s be honest, if that were the case I’d never write.

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On the Aire: The Rise of A-Ry
By Mike Aires

Over the past couple weeks, we have seen the crowd give huge receptions to someone I never expected to get it: Alex Riley.  The same guy who barely wrestles and has been carrying around a briefcase several months AFTER Miz cashed in his “Money in the Bank” contract. When he does wrestle, he usually gets squashed by the likes of John Cena or Randy Orton.

What the hell changed?  Everything.

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Reasons to be Cheerful – WWE needs NXT
By Laurence Salford

It occurred to me to write this article when reading Lonestar’s NXT weekly reviews. As I don’t watch NXT, I rely on the reviews that Lonestar and other wrestling writers provide each week, to fill me in on the latest comings and goings of WWE’s third tier of wrestling programming. I watched, and I enjoyed seasons one and two of NXT, aside from some of the ridiculous challenges that WWE decided to put their rookies through. I liked seeing a lot of new talent in the ring, and got to see a few established superstars get a bit of extra air time, which I often enjoyed. Seasons three & four however, I generally did not enjoy. They were often tedious, the wrestling wasn’t great and the characters on the shows seemed a step down from the previous seasons of one & two. When they announced a fifth season of NXT, which was made up of the worst rookies from the previous four seasons, I foresaw it failing miserably. This was further underlined for me, when it was announced that this season would again be on the website, a TV deal still not on the cards.

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The John Report: WWE Raw Deal for 05/23/11 (RIP Macho Man)
By John Canton
Follow me on Twitter at @johnreport

Before I start I just want to mention that this is the two year anniversary of me writing The Raw Deal. I’ve been writing on the internet for a decade or so, but the Raw Deal column started in May of 2009. Here’s the first one from two years ago covering a really bad edition of the show. I’m still trying to forget that episode. The 3 rating might have been nice. It’s been fun. I try to mix in humor and serious opinions when needed to make it an enjoyable read. I’m still here, so I must like it a lot huh? Thanks for all the support. I don’t have any special plans other than sharing that awesome banner that my buddy Steve made. Let’s get to the show.

Live from Portland, Oregon (Oden over Durant?) this is the Raw Deal…

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Welcome to the final edition of the Vintage WWE NXT Review, I am of course Doctor Money. Tonight is the Season 2 NXT Finale. I just got home from the Yankee game and coincidently, I went to a Yankee game the night of the Season 1 Finale. Odd, no?  Anyway, it’s down to Kaval, Alex Riley and Michael McGillicutty. Who is going to be WWE’s next breakout star? Read on to find out.

The show kicks off with Ashley Valence-Money introducing the WWE Pros. If you want to know where she’s been the past couple of weeks I’ve been asking her to call out sick because I didn’t want Zack Ryder to steal her from me, but then I realized I’m from Jersey and he’s not so automatically that makes me cooler. Woo, woo, woo, you know it. The Pros whose Rookies have been eliminated sit at the top of the ramp and the rest come to the ring with their Rookies. The Rookies that were eliminated are sitting in the front row. Matt “The Walking Tampon” Striker says there will be a double elimination tonight. No shit genius. There’s only supposed to be one winner so any way you slice it two guys are going to be eliminated. Then as if it’s some bombshell, Striker says the three remaining Rookies will face each other in a triple threat match. Um, I knew that already, it’s the same way you booked the Season 1 Finale. Although, I should be shocked WWE actually showed consistency in booking this show. Striker says the match is next and The Miz gets in Kaval’s face and Kaval shoves him and then Kofi Kingston clotheslines Miz out of the ring.

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